So I found this guide for guys on how to marry well. The first section begins with several articles on intentionality, or how to approach the idea of marriage and relationships leading to marriage. A recurring theme in this section (and probably throughout the rest of the guide) is the idea of male leadership. Several of the articles describe the man being burdened with the responsibility of risk. What risks, you might ask? Many, as it turns out. The risk of being wrong, the risk of being rejected, the risk of misleading, the risk of misinterpreting God, the risk of screwing up...the list goes on. It quotes some Bible verses about how being a Godly man means taking the leadership position, making decisions, and being the initiator in relationship.
This is where my heart sank. You see, if you know me well enough, you'll know I've tried on several occasions to be this risk-taker, this leader. And it never worked out. Women complain all the time about having it so much harder than guys in life, but do they really? Ladies, do you honestly KNOW what it feels like to take a risk of asking someone out, and being rejected? My guess is no. You see, you think you do, but you don't. Your mindset and a guy's mindset are totally different species. It takes a LOT of courage and effort to bring ourselves to put ourselves out there on the nicest platter we can find, allowing for you to either let us free, or slaughter us. And it's much more difficult for a guy like me.
I never had a dad. Never really had a father figure that I could look up to, at least physically. My grandfather had parkinsons as far back as I can remember, and that debilitating disease effectively erased any chance of me looking up to his actions, because his actions weren't genuine. My uncle, also a standup guy, moved to Michigan early on, and I could never really look up to him from so far away. So I was stuck with what I was told through church and the media (two VASTLY differing sources, I might add). I might also add that I'm not exactly the ideal build for most gals.
Because of this, my self-esteem, especially in regards to the opposite sex, has always been rather low. It's like a form of depression almost, without most symptoms. I had always been taught that self-esteem and confidence were the two major things girls liked in a guy. So I tried to have these two, or least appear to have them. And every single time I took a risk, it bit me in the behind.
Again, there is a unique pain behind it all, and an affirmation of my feelings of inadequacy when I get rejected. It's probably why I never act on my feelings anymore.
Heck, my last bout with that left me almost suicidal for a week or so. It's powerful stuff.
Anyway, there's an article in this guide that speaks of the whole "knight in shining armor" thing, and how girls expect their knight to do the work. The author then tells about his grandfather teaching from Proverbs 18:22 - "He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD."
He noted that the word "find" is a verb. Meaning there's action required.
Another article spoke pretty much directly to me, and said not to wait for a burning bush from God regarding His will. I have been waiting for an answer as to what to do, or a physical sign so that I know I will be in His will. But this article argues not to do that, especially in relationships, because that's not living by faith, but by sight. I don't entirely agree, because faith and sight aren't opposite each other, but anyway...
So I just felt kinda put down by this guide so far. I don't think I can be that knight. The risks just seem too great, despite the knowledge that God has me in His hands, and will reward my faith.
So goes life, eh?
~@
