Here ya go, fresh from the mind. Well, most of this was written a while ago, but I finally finished it up this morning.
anguish is my easel your pained eyes my signature only shades of red they're all I see!
can you see my scarlet letter? I spelled it out on your back tell me, can you see my scarlet letter? it's in the blood on your brow I know you can see my scarlet letter! you'll find it on the scars of your feet I know you see it! in the holes in your hands
I put it there! I was your demise! You are my canvas To showcase my failures
shades of red... these shades of red just fell to gray like ashes to the flame
Okay, so the title of this really plays it up to be a beastly blog, but I'm not really set on writing extensively on this one. I may do an update, and extend it later, but right now I just wanted to verb nouns and the like before passing out for a few hours.
Quick shout-outs before moving forward: AMP energy via Mt. Dew peepz. Awesome. Awesome. All the seniors of high school who are graduating this year. Congratulations kids. Welcome to the world war. To Bethany for being a trooper amidst my crappy wordage sometimes. And to A Day To Remember for writing a freaking addicting song that I simply cannot put down.
Speaking of ADTR, here's the song I'm enchanted with of late.
Long story short: the lyrics tell a story of the girl breaking up with the dude because he's more dedicated to touring and his music than her (she can't take it). So they break up. However, the music is just beautiful. And very simple, at that.
Okay, anyway. Onto the main aim of today's entry.
You know psalms, right? The ones from the book called the Bible? Yeah?? Well who, in your opinion, would be the author of the psalms? Most people say David. They'd be partly correct. Around the third portion of the psalms comes an author by the name of Asaph (I believe also there a few unknown authors as well). I like Asaph. He wrote my favorite psalm of all time, and quite a few other great ones. But why does no one really ever mention him? What's so insignificant about him? I mean, compared to David's life experiences, we've not got much info. But I wonder if we really DID and it just didn't get canonized. I'm not arguing canon or anything, I just find it interesting is all.
My favorite psalm is Psalm 73, specifically the Contemporary English Version (CEV).
Here it is below (note: I removed the formatting/verse numbers for OCD purposes):
God is truly good to Israel, especially to everyone with a pure heart. But I almost stumbled and fell, because it made me jealous to see proud and evil people and to watch them prosper. They never have to suffer, they stay healthy, and they don't have troubles like everyone else. Their pride is like a necklace, and they commit sin more often than they dress themselves. Their eyes poke out with fat, and their minds are flooded with foolish thoughts. They sneer and say cruel things, and because of their pride, they make violent threats. They dare to speak against God and to order others around. God will bring his people back, and they will drink the water he so freely gives. Only evil people would say, "God Most High cannot know everything!" Yet all goes well for them, and they live in peace. What good did it do me to keep my thoughts pure and refuse to do wrong? I am sick all day, and I am punished each morning. If I had said evil things, I would not have been loyal to your people. It was hard for me to understand all this! Then I went to your temple, and there I understood what will happen to my enemies. You will make them stumble, never to get up again. They will be terrified, suddenly swept away and no longer there. They will disappear, Lord, despised like a bad dream the morning after. Once I was bitter and brokenhearted. I was stupid and ignorant, and I treated you as a wild animal would. But I never really left you, and you hold my right hand. Your advice has been my guide, and later you will welcome me in glory. In heaven I have only you, and on this earth you are all I want. My body and mind may fail, but you are my strength and my choice forever. Powerful LORD God, all who stay far from you will be lost, and you will destroy those who are unfaithful. It is good for me to be near you. I choose you as my protector, and I will tell about your wonderful deeds.
This psalm helped me realize some things. For one, it really set forth the ideas that A) God really DOES love everyone, even those who turn against Him, and B) God allows those who turn against Him to "live it up" for awhile, because He knows their future and their fate. He knows that soon He'll be taking it all away and replacing comfort with everlasting despair. And since God truly does love everyone, it seems He gives them a last-ditch effort to repent. Yeah. Wicked cool.
Also, It gave me an idea for a tattoo that I want to get should I ever find myself brave enough and am in a field of work that permits it. Basically, I want verse 23 somewhere around my right hand. I might have it split between left and right. Verse 23, for reference, is as follows: "But I never really left You, and You hold my right hand." Yeah. Wicked cool. Again.
So uhm. Yeah. Fun times, eh? It's kinda weird talking about girls to my younger friends, fyi. Very weird indeed. I'm not sure why, but I think it has something to do with an almost-lack of trust and/or a noticeable lack of experience in the receiving end that allows my mind to wander toward if they truly understand my intentions and reasonings. (note: I don't really talk about girls to my younger female cohorts. That would be awkward methinks).
I believe I am done for today. Oh, although I must say, I got some new music, and I'm SO digging it. Check out these bands for some great listening:
-Seabird -Secret & Whisper -Sleep For Sleepers -Through Solace -Belle Epoque -Today Forever -Holding Onto Hope (sounds very close to MY band name, sorta)
There's also some new albums out or coming out soon from my other desireable bands, so if you'd like, I can get a list going for that as well.
Oh, and one more thing before I go. I am currently working on two projects: one is a logo for a friend who's starting a ministry, and the other is a song or two. Keep me in prayer for the logo please (I'm not getting paid, but if I do it right, it goes in me portfolio for future clienting). Also, expect some totally rad songs sometime this summer. Oh, and if you have logo design experience and have some tips and tricks, let me know please! I'm currently looking for a specific vector-style image that conveys peace, hope, love, and security that isn't too flashy or complex (I prefer keeping it under three tones). So yeah. Ideas!!!
And one last thing: talk to me people. Even mentioning it in passing IRL (that's In Real Life, for those who don't dabble in the 1337 5P34K) would be cool. Comments, ideas, confessions of adoration/love, etc. Y'know, whatevs.
I know, this isn't necessarily a "heavy-traffic" blog per se, but I feel I owe it to myself at least to excrete my thought waste every once in awhile.
I do, however, have several reasons behind my lack of updates lately, and I shall list them neatly now:
1. I have been finishing up my fourth semester at ASU West (finals weeks SUCKKKK). 2. I have been busy working on a logo or two for a friend's friend's website (praiselight.com). Logo's take a while to perfect, mind you. 3. I've acquired some new music and have been spoiling myself with it, trying to get some inspiration, but really I've just been sucked into learning new lyrics and headbanging recklessly, even whilst driving on the Loop (because I'm too pro).
I could probably come up with more, but why bother? The fact of the matter is, I'm back! And this entry is gonna be somewhat weird. What I mean is, it isn't quite tethered to one central topic. Rather, I'm allowing myself to jump around, possibly going so far as to write some lyrics IN another blog (aka, this one)!!! ZOUNDS!
Yeah. So okay, first thing that I've been pondering of late is the notion of what most people consider a death wish. Now, I'm not exactly trying to kill myself; in fact, I'm not at all. But, I feel it's necessary that you should know that I welcome death with open arms. At least for now. I mean, I don't have a family of my own (my mom is just about the only one I'm concerned about, should I pass before she does). I don't have a wife, kids, dog, etc. I haven't really left anything that needs to be tended to to my knowledge.
To be honest, I think my friends wouldn't even miss me so much. Sure, there'd be a sob fest for a while, but really, how long would it take, you think, for people to go on? I mean, that's what is supposed to happen. From a psycholigical standpoint, the bereavement period should only last from a few days to a month or two, with grieving following for 1-9 years, depending on the attachment of the relationship (ie, old marriages tend to last longer). So how long do you think it'd take YOU to move on? Have I made any lasting impact on your life?
I've struggled with this subject before. Leaving a legacy. Making an impact. It's every Christian's dream to be used by God to impact lives like crazy in their lives. I know what I do in Young Life makes a difference. I know that my living like Christ (or trying to at least) has shown some people Jesus in some way. But really. How good of a job could I possibly be doing? When you look at my life, both public and personal, you'll see some TERRIBLE things. Things that would make you cringe in disgust. How can THAT be used to any good extent?
But still I know, that God has "decreed" (I say it like that because some people are really sensitive about predestination stuff) that every person will have a set life, and He will use us as much as we let Him, for as long as we are useful. I can name a couple people who believe you should do whatever keeps you alive longer, if only to serve God more. I admire that mentality, but I don't think I'm ready to adopt it quite yet. (I think there's some bitterness, since the guy I can name right now has tried to get me to lose weight [as if I haven't tried] and openly rebuked be about a not-so-sanitary pizza-slice-relocation).
I just don't really enjoy living right now, I guess. It's not about enjoyment, I know. You can feed me all the religious jargon you want. I've probably already heard it, in some form or another. I just hate seeing the brokenness in the world, feeling it, tasting it, hearing it, living it. I bet I can openly name at least one major issue in each and every one of my friend's lives that have further enveloped them in brokenness. I'm sick of it; and yet, it's what I'm called to do, isn't it? To heal a broken world by telling people of the cure.
I've been listening to a lot of music, as I've mentioned above. Not only has it been the new stuff, though. I went back to some good stuff that I had overlooked before. One song that really hits home for me is "Charlatan's Host" a la Oh, Sleeper. Here's a video:
The lyrics are below as well, for clarity. Bolded parts are what I'm totally feelin'.
Sleep takes its hold with a sinking pull. And now that I'm alone, this burst of light fills my lids and I'm awake to the songs of horror. Your ill-bought greatness, he's seen it all from the frame. One day you'll reap the seeds of a shadowed past, and I can only hope I'm there. You tried to satisfy the thirst of a thousand ages, But built the stacks of bones as your monument to dead vanity. It's just a shrine to the words you use to wreck. Tell me, How can you sleep? How can you just welcome the wine and throw out your nets? You throw out your nets and set fame to bait the noose. Set fame to derail whats innocent. Why spare the life of inglorious waste? Why let him live? He's just hunting your own! How can you just sit there and watch? "Because i love you more than you know. Look again and tell me what you see!"
(note here, that the singer realizes the accusations of above are against himself)
In the window was me. The massacres all me! Oh God, please! Please! deliver the penalties for all of this from me. I'm not finding justice, no warrant for mercy... don't give up on me. Don't give up on me! What happens when I turn and run again? And again, and again? "I will forgive you." And what happens when I lie to your face? "I will forgive you." Oh my God, I can be so defiant to some one who's arms stretch to me. "I will forgive." Don't give up on me! Don't give up on me! "I have forgiven you!" I'll awake to new purpose to fight this body. No longer will I play the dark shepherd. Let not my words be ripped from the throat of a horror. Oh, Forgiver! Where is justice in letting me live?
It's beyond amazing how completely accurate these are. Like, seriously. I could not have put it any better. And sadly, because I can't write any better than that, I have some bad doubts about my abilities, which I suppose is where I'll go next on this roller-coaster ride of crap.
It's all been written before. I suck. It's a fact, you know. I try to pretend that I'm a good writer, that my songs are meaningful and will emotionally stir someone other than myself. I act like I'm good enough at sing/screaming to start a band and dream of making music for a professional ministry. It just seems like it's not my road. Sure, I can sing. I can sing real well, there's absolutely no doubting that. My screaming is...a different story. My other musical endeavors are really lacking as well. I can play bass decently I guess, but I never learned to use a pick, and I can't play bass and sing or scream at the same time. I'm just not coordinated enough. Nor am I coordinated enough to drum...at least not yet.
I just have this passion to make music that really hits home for people, that brings them crawling back to Christ for comfort. But so far, nothing's happened. So I wait. I'm good at that. It's what I've done for a LONG time now. Not just for music or a calling, but many other things. I really really really really really want to write another song, but my inspiration dwindles. And I feel that, since I can't put my words to a melody quite yet (I blame the fact that I have no raw music tracks to write to, but I digress), I won't ever be able to successfully *write* and complete a song. It sucks, because it's like knowing your most passionate worksmanship will be stowed away in a dark closet, only to be lovingly coddled by the creator once in a great while. grrrr
Quick side note, and I'll get back to sulking. If anyone in the Phoenix area needs a singer or possibly a bassist, I'll be willing to at least check out the "vision" and such, and see what I can do. Granted, I'm new to the whole "band" thing, and I'll also be gone this summer for quite awhile, so you may be waiting for a bit before anything "major" happens. But yeah, just thought I'd plug myself shamelessly here.
Okay, anyways. Back to why life is blah. Oh, right. My profession. So my ideal life plan, from post-Bachelor's graduation, is as such: get in a band; get big in said band; tour/record between 2-7 or so albums with band (mind you, this band has GOT to be about Jesus. I will not stand for anything less); hopefully get a calling to stop my rockstar charade before I get too rickety; hopefully have a steady relationship with a girl by that time; marry said girl; have children with said wife; be a freelance part-time web/graphics designer, specializing in musical stuff (ie, band webpages, cd design, etc.) OR do that full-time with a record label AND/OR start/work with a recording studio; continue a small acoustic/softy music project (perhaps solo, perhaps not); do music ministry in a church.
Something like that. However, I have a strong feeling that close to none of that will happen. Which sucks. But again, I will willingly take whatever God throws at me, because it'll be the best for me. So there's the job front.
Let's see...oh, friends would be good to cover. So, even though I'm mid-college, I have some friends that seem to be moving on, so to speak. Namely, several of them are breaking the norm that was established these past couple years. Notables are, but are not limited to: Rob English graduating from ASU (whatever will I do without Mr. English's hand to briskly shake?), Kristen moving to Tempe/most likely not leading next semester (and we were seriously JUST getting into the whole friendship deal =/), and numerous high school friends graduating and/or moving to other states for school. It's kind of a drag, to be honest. I know friends come and go, that no good thing lasts forever, but still.
grumble grumble, because I can.
Also in the friends spectrum is the whole trust issue. I think it boils down to trust, anyway. Basically, I try to be a good friend. I try to make myself available to my friends whenever they may need me: I offer to listen to them and their issues; I try and give them positive affirmations when I can; I pray for them as consistently as I can; I try to put them ahead of everyone but God. And yet, it seems like none of you crazy kids really capitalize on this. Maybe I'm just buggin' out, but it seems like nobody wants to confide in me. I mean, I understand the whole guy/girl dichotomy of divulging secret information and life stuff, but I have a counter-argument to that. I'm studying to be a psychologist, and even if I don't go to grad school for it, doesn't mean I don't know anything about psychology and counseling. I know some topics are sensitive, and you may think I know nothing about it, but you'd be shockingly surprised (oh snap, a double whammy) at what little tidbits of knowhow I've got floating around in my cerebrum area.
Now, I know that some things are better left to a same-sex confidant (sp?); ie, sexual goings-on, and other things that might cause issues with the opposite sex (and menstruation, I think, does not fall into that category, since it is NOT enticing, nor is it really taboo. It's a normal, healthy thing that I'm already quite versed in [a-thank you, numerous sexuality chapters]). All I'm saying is, take advantage of me, will ya? That's hawt right there. Okay, but seriously. I'm not angry or anything, I just feel like it's becoming pointless to offer things like that.
Bah humbug. that's about it. I was going to try writing some lyrics in regards to the blog title (because it's EPIC), but it's damn near 6 AM, and I'm tired. Sorry, maybe some song-age will come to be in my sleep.
Well, as always, I'd love to hear your opinion on things (or God's via la Biblia), so feel more than free to comment on the blog, email me, text/call, whatever. Just so long as you get heard.
Quick fun fact: many of today's issues that grow to grandiose extremes could be prevented with a little communication now and again *wink wink hint hint*.
I'm a 21 year old student who loves thinking, writing, graphics design, music, and God. I believe Jesus is the King of Kings. I am obsessive about music, in all aspects: listening, making, and writing for. If you wanna know more, email me.
