Don't Hold Your Breath

Okay, so I know this is a bit later than I'd said before, but it's still the weekend! This here blog is going to be a bit different than the rest. I will, for those interested, write down some "resolutions" or changes I would like to make in the coming year(s). But I will also include a list of confessions that I feel would benefit not only me for getting them off my chest, but others who may be struggling with the same things.

A quick couple news items before we begin this list-fest:

1) I wrote another song that I will, at this time, not be posted on this blog. It is, however, in my notes on facebook. The reason for this is that I wrote the song in good humor about the situation Ronnie Radke (ex-vocalist of Escape the Fate) is in. I may or may not ever move it here, but if you know me IRL, you can view it on facebook. And should I decide to record that song with a band, I will be altering it to be more meaningful and teach a message rather than just basically laugh at the whole thing.

2) I will hopefully be writing more songs/blogs soon. I have a very strong notion to write a song similar to Impending Doom's "Silence The Oppressors" about the issues the Church has regarding the metal/hardcore scene. It's been burning my heart recently, so I'd like to get that out there.

3) I will be going back to school starting January 19th, and even though my schedule is a bit less demanding this semester (level 100 classes FTW), I may be falling out of writing again like I did last October.


Okay, onto the lists o' awesome.

The Changes I'd Like To Make:

-I want to write in my prayer journal every day. It's a step forward on the reading the Bible everyday thing that I started last year (and am still keeping up, thank God).

-I want to be more active in a church. This past year I kind of fell out of regularly attending my church (Vineyard North Phoenix). I don't want to do that anymore. So I want to start attending regularly again. Another offshoot of this is my friend's church is starting a college-age service and as far as I know, I'm still invited to be a part of the service, hopefully singing. I would love to do that.

-I want to be a better Young Life leader. I'm a really crappy one right now. I don't really do contact work, or hang with kids outside of club and campaigners.

-I want to be on good standing with all my friends. More of this in the confessions later.

-I want to be a blessing to a girl in the form of a romantic relationship. This is just a fancy way of saying, I don't want to be single anymore.

-I want to do things in God's will and strength, and not my own. Pretty self-explanatory, but a lot harder to do than say.

-I want to be more active in general. As much as I love loafing around my bedroom all day, I need to get out and play some frisbee, or even just go loaf around a coffee shop with friends. Something that doesn't involve my super-comfy computer chair.

-I want to write more, and write to please God. Sometimes I think I write stuff whether or not God is involved in my thinking. I hope He'll be in ALL my thinking and writing henceforth.

-I'd love to break my addiction. More to come in the confessions list.

-I want to start making good habits. I don't currently brush my teeth very often, because I didn't see it as such a big deal. But it needs to be done. I'm tired of carrying around Binaca everywhere I go for fear of scaring off pretty girls because of my breath-funk.

-I want to start making vocal practice a daily thing, not just on occasion. This involves finding time to practice, finding energy and willpower, and also testing my family with my loudness every single day. I haven't started this one yet though.

-I want to not get angry about certain things. I'm not generally an angry person to begin with, but some things get me super-heated. And I don't like it.

-I want to be a better friend. Sometimes I think I fail at friendship, and that it might turn my friends away from me. Luckily, God's graced me with some persistent people for friends.


I'd say that about sums up my first list. I would put something to the degree of getting a job on there, but I honestly don't know if that's the smartest move right now. Sure, I could use the extra money and the experience, but the time factor is the issue. I'm not sure if I'd be able to function properly with a job, school, Young Life, my family, and a band to work on. Just doesn't seem right.

Anyway, onto the fun list. Be forewarned that what is written below is some screwed up stuff, and I don't blame you for walking away disgusted, pissed off, or scared. I'm just telling it like it is, because I feel it's necessary.

The List O' Confessions

-The biggest one is my addiction. I'm addicted to pornography. I've been hooked since I was probably around 13. I have broken the addiction once back in 2007, but shortly dragged myself back into the hole. It's been better more recently than before, with only the occasional slip up. But it's something I feel deep disgust and chagrin for, and I am ashamed to admit it, even though I know I'm not alone.

-This addiction has spread to other areas of my life. I've used my imagination before to create some dastardly deeds. Not always sexual, mind you. I mean, some of them are, and I feel like a sick person, but I won't deny it.

-I've also imagined hurting people. Not just adults, but pretty much anyone who annoys me. I've thought about pushing my 4 year old niece down the stairs before. I never DID that, thank God, but I've thought it.

-Another somewhat big one (to me) is that I will avoid my friends if I don't feel like talking to them. I dodge calls like Neo dodged bullets in The Matrix all the time, and every time I do, I feel like a douche. If I don't agree with something that a friend does or did, I'll also sometimes avoid them. I'll make up a lie and say I'm busy with other people/things, or simply never return their messages or calls.

-I think I fall in love with any female who wants to be my friend. Maybe I'm wrong, but I find myself suppressing feelings for a lot of friends for the sake of the friendship. Granted, it's not ALL my female friends, but a lot of them. So maybe this is just a fluke, but nonetheless, watch out, ladies.

-I'm afraid to tell girls I like them because of my past and what it tends to do to a friendship. If the feelings ain't mutual, the friendship either ceases to exist, or it becomes severely strained. If you'd like to know my past endeavours, look back in the blog, I think it's somewhere in there (probably under my July 09 posting, which is my testimony).

-I've been single all my life, and I hate it. I hate that I'm constantly surrounded by romantic ideology and yet I can never partake. I know it's not everything, and I certainly know that romantic love isn't the only, or best, kind of love to have. But it's like being a kid who's too small for a really fun roller coaster. I want to have my turn, ya know? And it's not sex that I'm interested in; granted, that will (hopefully) come into play in marriage, but what I really want is a chance to be a major part of someone else's life. And my family doesn't count, as it's a gimme in that area.

-I'm a bit prideful when it comes to music. I am also very selective. What I mean about prideful is that I have what I believe to be a great voice, and I've screwed up and flaunted that before, which isn't right. I'm selective in that I can appreciate most all music, but there are certain kinds that I will not listen to, and others which I debase because I fail to see the motivation behind it.

-Somewhat tied into the last bit, I'm a jerk. I big fat fatty jerkhead. I try to be nice and generally amiable towards people, but I'm still foul at the core, and I let it slip intentionally from time to time. Case in point, I argued for three days about why bluegrass is crap music with a friend (at least, we WERE friends, though I think she may disagree now). I wouldn't let sleeping dogs lie, and kept getting in her face (via facebook, lol) about it. Now she's all huffy and I'm wondering why I did that.

-I cuss. Now, that's not such a big deal to many of you, but it is to me. I don't feel...I dunno, clean when I cuss. It's like doing something I know I shouldn't, and it bothers me. I don't cuss often, and try generally to avoid it, but I do let it slip. (Let it be known that I don't think it's necessarily wrong for others to cuss, it's a personal belief issue. I won't say cussing is a sin, because I'm not sure it is, but it's a personal sin to me).

-I have "checked out" a girl before. I am a guy, who's God-given drive is enhanced visually. Most times I'll catch myself and kind of scold my mind, but a lot of the time it just subconsciously happens. I don't mean to turn you into pieces of meat, girls. I really don't. I don't want to view you as sex-objects, because you're not. But also, give me a break when you decide it's fitting to wear a dark lace bra with a white v-neck "covering" it. (this is not aimed at any real situation that occurred, it's just an example I made up)

-I'm really bad at remembering names. Simple as that.

-A lot of what I do is partially done for the sake of approval of others. I should only seek God's approval and no one else's, but it's hard in a world like this.

-I have used gifts as a way of buying someone over. The key here is I HAVE done this, not that I DO do this all the time. So if I'm trying to spend money on you, and especially if you're a girl, don't automatically assume I'm trying to buy your affection. I also just like to love on my friends by giving them gifts.

-I am insecure about a lot of things. My weight was the major topic back in grade school, but I'm (for the most part) over it. It does still sting a little when someone comments on my weight, but I don't really mind it too much. There are other things, though. Anything I consider myself to be skilled in I am also insecure about (writing, singing, design, etc).

-Oddly enough, I have decently high standards for what girls I like and pursue for more than friendship. It's just funny to me because a guy of my build, at least in terms of worldly thinking, should just go for whatever is available. But there are certain criteria I look for, and many of them are unwavering.

-I break the law in many ways, and I'm okay with it. The most blatant way is downloading media. I also speed when I drive and run red lights from time to time. Nothing inherently dangerous really, because I think my decisions through. I only run reds, for example, when I don't want to crunch my brakes and the intersection's clear.

-I don't formally tithe to my church. The reason for this is because I feel that a tithe can be given to God by any method that serves His purposes. In my case, my tithe goes toward Young Life, whether it be gas money to get places, buying food or drinks for my YL friends, or donating towards their camp funds, I feel it's a perfectly acceptable method of tithing.

-I have been in internal conflict with a couple elders of the faith over some beliefs for a while. The reason I have not resolved these conflicts is because the elders are steadfast in their beliefs and are unwilling to accept mine as truth, even to me. They think that just because it disagrees with what they believe, it's biblically unsound, when really it's just my own interpretation of the scripture. It's nothing blatantly against what the Bible teaches.

-I agree with the thinking that religion must be stopped, and relationships must become the focus. To be clear, religion is the man-made methods for reaching God. Therefore, the religion of Christianity is a man-made idea, and is failing. I have a relationship with the Living God through His Son Jesus, and that alone is all I need.

-I have WAY too many shirts. WAY. TOO. MANY.

-I have had thoughts of suicide before. I've also been clinically depressed before as well. My mom thinks I still am depressed, but I'm fairly certain I'm just oppressed by Satan from time to time, as we all are. It leads to thinking wrong thoughts of self-depreciation and lack of worth or value. But I know I'm good enough to die for, or at least Jesus thinks so.

-I have quite a few friends these days, but I'm afraid I have too many. I've got what I call my friend-reserve of energy and caring, that only gets me so far. After that's depleted, I pretty much shut out people. It doesn't help that I'm an introvert and "recharge" by being alone and away from others. It's probably why I'm such a loner to begin with.

-With so many friends, it's hard to say I have any best friends. I may be a best friend to a few of them, but I don't really count anyone higher than the rest. I do, however, have a handful of friends that I tend to hang out with and talk to more. So I guess I do have a best friend-group.

-I have been a bit of a creeper and stalker in the past. Suffice it to say that I like to get to know people, whether or not they want me to, or know that I'm getting to know them. I don't mean any harm by it, but I do agree it's creepy and probably wrong.

I think that should hold you off for a while. I can't completely unload my sick, crazy self onto you all at once. I'm pretty sure you'd die.

As I always say, I'm available to explain further, or discuss anything you'd like. If you ask it, I'm more than likely going to respond to it.

I'm also available to talk with anyone who may be struggling with similar things and want some release or anything. I mean, it IS what I'm going to school for (even though I don't plan on using it in the end).

lovelovelovelovelove.

~@othern

They Shall Fall (Song)

OH TEN! Woooo!! New year, new look! I also hope to be designing the post backgrounds (currently the transparent black) but for now, this'll do!

Here's the first song of the new year, and not half bad. It's kinda different than what I'm used to; this song is more like For Today's latest album (Portraits), and is based off some biblical ideas. See if you can catch them!

We just can't do this
The opposition towers
Above us like mountains
We gotta get out

"Come and fight me!
You'll fail quickly
Try to spite me!
I'll leave you dying"


Bring out the giants!
I'll face them myself
With the kiss of a stone
To the head of the foe
They shall fall


Their numbers are dwindling
Yet still, our blood stops cold
The fear has overtaken us
We need our hero!


Bring out the horsemen!
I'll kill them myself
With the kiss of a blade
I send them back to the grave
They shall fall
They shall fall!

For my God is mighty
His hand is fierce
His voice, it shatters
His love will pierce...


Our hearts beat in sync together
It's our chance to do or die
We fight now for forever
We fight now for forever!

Cool, eh? Yep.

Anyhoo, I'll be writing another blog this weekend regarding confessions and resolutions for the purpose of building up hope with my brothers and sisters who may or may not struggle with the same things.

Hit me up with ideas, questions, comments, or whatevs!

May God bless your new year,

~@

The Inflatable Anchor (Song)

buahahahahahahahaha!! I am sooo stoked. I was driving home tonight from visiting some friends for a late gift exchange, and was listening to a song by Emery ("After The Devil Beats His Wife") and was struck by some inspiration. The song somewhat draws from the Emery tune, as well as a song by Tool (weird, I know) called "Stinkfist".

Anyway, enjoy!

You think you have this
World all figured out?
Better think again
Before you're swallowed (whole)

Your depth perception
Must be a bit askew
Because right now you're ankle deep
Treading water and sweet perfume


So I'll throw you a lifeline
In the form of three simple words
I think I can save you
Then again the choice isn't mine


It's already clawing at your waist
Take a look around you
This is a storm of suffering and bad taste
And believe me, the waves are rising

Your depth perception
Must be a bit awry
Because right now you're shoulder deep
Treading water and velvet lies


So I'll throw you a lifeline
In the form of three simple words
I think I can save you
Then again the choice isn't mine

So I'll throw you a lifeline
In the form of three simple, little words

"I LOVE YOU!
I LOVE YOU!
I LOVE YOU!
I LOVE YOU!"

Oh no!
Your lungs give way
Sucking in the poison
Of your precious world
It leaves you betrayed


I should have thrown you a lifeline
In the form of three simple words
I thought I could save you
Then again the choice was never mine
The choice was never mine...

Your depth perception
Has failed you
And so have I
And so have I

Again, if you want some explanation, I'm glad to share it!

Love you,

~@

Who's Countin'?

Okay, so I felt my blog was lonely with only one December post, and I kinda wanted to write anyway. It's just like me to get the urge to write when I should be sleeping, but it doesn't really matter. I have nowhere to be until next year really, so right now I'm just epitomizing the word lethargic.

To be frank, I don't like how my break is going. As much as I disdain schoolwork, and ASU as a whole to begin with, it at least gave me a reason to leave the house. Now, I have to forcefully will myself to go do stuff, and with a limited budget, and living in Phoenix, AZ where anything fun to do costs money or a marriage (ha), my options are a bit limited.

That being said, I had a good day today. I left the house. Twice. BOOYAH, GRANNY, BOOYAH! Yep yep. It was sweeeeet.

First, I went and picked up a new friend of mine; her name is Elora. She's a pimp, no lie. Anyway, we went and saw Avatar this morning, and afterwards I took her to work, which may not seem like a lot of fun to some of you, but I'm a big proponent of singing in the car, so the drive back alone was worth it, though the drive out was cool too. Apparently, Dethklok is epic enough for me to like.

So yeah, that was the first time. The second was when my new friend had accidentally left some of her belongings in my car. So I got to go drop them off (no biggie, more singing!), and then I went and hung out with another friend of mine who I'm trying to start a band with.

That's my day, folks. And this was an adventurous one. Imagine my life. Go ahead, do it. It's pretty sweet, right? Yep, God is good =)

Anyhoo, I guess I should actually update you on some things besides my day. My singing is going well, and I found a vocal warm-up which I'll be testing out this week methinks. My screaming is a bit funky and spotty, so I'm going to try on a couple different types and see if they prove more fruitful.

The whole band thing I mentioned is kind of an interesting topic I suppose. A bit of a backstory: this past summer, I began praying a lot about discerning God's will regarding my future, and specifically my area of ministry. Sure enough, the Big Guy came through and started pointing out a LOT of scripture in Psalms and other areas of the Bible talking about singing, and music, and instrumentation. And then later on, I went to New York for YL Summer Staff (totally a great experience, by the way) and met this dude named Barrett, who's basically my skinny twin. He loves God, and he loves music, and he even has snakebites like me =)

Moving forward a bit, I pieced this all together and deciphered that I had a definite gift for singing, and a desire to learn to scream. I also have a huge heart for the hardcore scene, as it's so passion-filled, and also, unfortunately, severely oppressed by the Church. I could name about six or seven bands right now that do what I want to do, so I will: Underoath, For Today, Sleeping Giant, Oh Sleeper, Impending Doom, The Great Commission, and A Plea For Purging.

All these guys do is make great music, and tour around the country, and world, sharing Christ with not only the fans, but the fellow bands as well. Brook, the vocalist from Impending Doom, as well as several others, have visions of Christianity taking hold of the world from the underground, and it gets me so fired up that I just want to drop everything and get into a band.

So, with that in mind, I starting looking for possible bandmates, or even a band in need of a vocalist. I found two of my YL club kids, David and Clendis. They're both only 16 or so, and none of us are well-honed super musicians, but we're a start, and I think these guys share my goal.

Anyway, that's the whole band thing. What to talk of next...OH! It's my friend Bethany's birthday today. You should comment below wishing her a happy birthday and I'll show her the love!

Also, I realize that 2009 is almost over, hence the title of the blog. I've been seeing a lot of introspective think pieces in facebook notes from friends, so I guess I could do that, as cheesy as it seems.

This year hasn't been too bad, but not too brilliant either. Done!

Seriously though, one notable thing is that I'm finally over the girl from my fiasco in 2007, which is awesome. And if you read this blog, she-who-must-not-be-named (not because your name is evil, but because I'd like to prevent any undue embarrassment), please know that I'm sorry the whole thing went down, and I truly do miss you and your other half as friends.

Speaking of girls, and of moving on, I find myself in what I lovingly call my "hunter mode". It's quite silly really, because I'm no good at this whole girl-liking thing, so it seems pretty futile to try finding one at this point. But still I trudge on. What's funny is, my motives for doing so aren't entirely what you might think.

Sure, there's the benefit of all that mushy stuff like holding hands and texting random things at 4AM to each other, which are definitely perks, but really don't hold a place in the top three reasons why I want to date someone. What are my top three reasons, you may ask?

1. I'm surrounded by love stories and feeling a bit left out. You literally cannot turn a corner in this damned world without running into some form of romance going on. No story is a good one with love involved, everybody knows that. It's just slightly depressing and escalates downward into self-depreciation after awhile. Hooray!

2. I guess the perks mentioned above might fit here, but whatever. I want intimacy. I don't want sex (that's for married or marred people) so much as I want to have a close relationship with someone. Sure, I've got Jesus to talk to whenever I want, and I've got plenty of spiritual intimacy, but (and this will sound very atheist-like) it's hard to experience physical intimacy with a spiritual being. Why do you think I love hugs so much?

3. I want to further experience God's love. Over the summer, I read a book by Donald Miller called To Own A Dragon. It's about his struggles of growing up/adjusting without a father. I, too, did not grow up with a father, so it spoke to me about a lot of stuff. One of the chapters was about Don's friend who had gotten married. Don asked him about marriage and what it was like, and the thing I walked away with most vividly imprinted from that chapter was what his friend said. He said that being married revealed a whole new view of God's love, like an undiscovered waterfall or something. Who wouldn't want that?

And I know it's not all easy, and I realize that God's not going to miraculously plop a girl down at my front door on a silver platter who instantly falls in love with me and we get married and live happily ever after. I realize this. But something's gotta give, right?

I'm a weird dude. I somehow ended up writing a checklist application for a girlfriend and posted it on facebook. Wanna read it? I'll copy+paste it for you.

Eligibility is based on these, and a few other select items:

EDIT: I added a few things I forgot. They're located below, and denoted by a double dash like so "--".

--is single (generally a good thing to check for).

--is willing to pray with me and for me (believe me, I need it).

--has a face.

--reads the Bible (or at least tries to) [just a check on the whole Christian deal].

--loves themself (not in the naughty way).

-is a girl (read: confirmed female).

-has a face.

-is willing to not get bling (no gold diggers).

-actually likes me as a person.

-is between 17-23 (no, I'm not a pedophile).

-is a Christian.

-does not want premarital "relations".

-is willing to let me help you.

-is okay with me spitting from time to time (it comes with the job).

-has a face.

-is able to let me have guy night LAN parties.

-is willing to get married someday (oooh, scary)[also note, not necessarily to me].

-does not mind loud music.

-does not mind screaming in said music.

-likes hugs.

-does not want to cohabit (read: live together).

-has a face.

-is okay with my weirdness.

-is currently my friend (not on facebook, for realzies).


If you've made it this far:

Let's hang out =)

Some of these are negotiable, while others are not. Apply if you dare, muahahahahaha.


In all seriousness, this is a slight peek into my "ranking" of potentials, but was also made for funsies and is severely lacking in certain things.

Besides, if you really wanted to, I'm sure you'd convince me to ask you out. Shoot, some girls have done it without even trying! =)

At any rate, I love you all very much.

Again I say, I'm a weird dude. Anyway, much to my confusion, this actually generated some interesting conversation which gives me hope that I'm not completely unwanted by the female population (not to say that those who DID reply were actually interested). But nonetheless, it helps.

So I guess I'll stop writing now. I mean, I've already shoveled a lot of crap at you with this one, and I don't want to scare you away any more than I already have =)

As always, I'm open to discussion. Just email me or drop a comment below, or even bring up some stuff in person.

I've been trying to get some inspiration for writing more songs, but I don't just want to churn out crap lyrics, so I guess I'll wait. I'll probably also post my "confessions" list soon. Maybe as part of a new year's resolution blog or something. Could be fun, eh?

Okay, I'm going now.

Love you,

~@

If Plagues Could Talk (Song)

Okay, so I've been finishing up school these past several weeks, and I've been kicking myself to get back into writing. Unfortunately, a sinful man's life is never slow, so I've been slacking even more on writing. Thankfully, I got some inspiration out of nowhere (surely a sign of God, haha) to write this one. Enjoy.

Don't wish me the world
I'd only watch it burn
A cruel magnifying glass
Focusing hatred into ants' backs

Don't you know why
I avoid the daylight?
It's not so flattering
To my purity, my purity


Don't look me in the eyes
I fear you'll see
This horror in me
I am what I despise


Don't bother buying
What my mouth sells
You haven't seen
What these hands are capable of

...It's not so flattering

Don't look me in the eyes
I fear you'll see
This horror in me
I am what I despise


FLEE FROM ME!
I'll consume you (I never knew you)
I'll destroy you (I never knew you)
I am Hell himself!


Don't love me with those eyes
I fear you don't see
This horror is me
I do what I despise

God save me from this!

A few things before I go:

1) This song should be pretty straight-forward, but if you need me to explain it, let me know. Also, I intentionally overplayed the word "don't", so you know.

2) My "band" got together last night and did some minor jamming, and I must say my screaming is coming along, and sounds much better in the microphone than in my car (ha). We're a long way off, but I think we're at a good starting point.

3) I have several writing ideas to try and accomplish soon. Hopefully I'll have another song up by Christmas, and I'm still mulling over publishing some confessions.

That's all, folks!

Drop me an email if you wanna talk about anything, or a comment if you just wanna leave some love. =)

~@