Rise Up (warship song)

Let me quickly describe just what I mean by "warship." A warship song, to me, is hardcore worship. Another term I could use to describe it is Praisecore (hardcore praise). I'll put some videos after the song that are examples of my idea of what a warship song is.

Just know that this is indeed a praise/worship song, but it is meant to be put to hardcore music, with screaming bits, if not the whole thing screamed.

Live by the sword
Die by the sword
Live by the Word...
Live on, Live on

Rise up, rise up
Oh Son of Man
Take your place
Make your stand


You are too much to bear
I can't stand, I wouldn't dare
But still I scream your praises

Break away the chains
Set ablaze the remains
Let loose the love
A gift we're unworthy of

You are too much to bear
I can't stand, I wouldn't dare
But still I scream your praises

Your glorious light
will shine through the black
destroy the night
for my King has come back!

Hallelujah!
Hallelujah!
Hallelujah!
Hallelu...

© @othern 2009.

Anxious, Dysfunctional Me (With a Side of Beauty)

Okay, I have two things that I would like to write about. I know, it's cliché; writing about writing. Boo freaking hoo. Get over it.

Anyway, that's not really one of the topics ;). The topics are as the title implies: a brief (and frightening) analysis of just SOME of the self-diagnosed psychoses, with a dash of my thoughts on physical beauty (because I can). And contrary to any popular recipe, I will start with the garnish first. I am rad that way. 

Hokay, so. I wasn't going to write anything about beauty (aside from what you'll read later on) until I took a gander at good ole boundless.org, and liked what I read. I have been known in the past to speak very little regarding physical beauty, only letting it slip that I find many of my friends beautiful (both genders [no homo], and not JUST physically either), or maybe somehow getting dragged into a makeup discussion (I don't know how, it just happens). Anyway, I think this specific article speaks volumes. I agree with it wholeheartedly. I won't give away the whole thing, as I feel it would detract from the brilliance of the original author, but know that it points out the very wrong notion of prioritizing physical beauty. 

Know, also, that I believe physical beauty is great, but fleeting and should never EVER be the focus of anything (referring to relationships, popularity and social ranking, recognition, etc). I also think makeup is somewhat of a nuisance. I have been lucky enough to see some of my female friends without makeup, and I find them just as beautiful as before, if not moreso. I also think makeup is a form of deception, but that's pushing it for a lot of people. 

So anyway...yeah. That's all I really have to say about beauty. I told you it was only a side!Onward, HO! (no, I did not just call you a hoe; it is a common 18th-or-so century term)

Okay, now for the nitty gritty; the meat and potatoes; the heart of the matter; the prime rib; the...ink of the pen? Eh, weak. I get to spout to you my latest self-discoveries! Hooray for me! Boo for you! 

So, I've been spelunking in the darker recesses of my thoughts recently, trying to discern the true reasons behind certain things I do and do not do. I'm pretty sure this isn't all too uncommon amongst people my age, as it is considered the age of self-discovery and personal identity formation and clarification (ish). But anyway, my first (and I guess main) focus was my very sporadic spurts of OCD-ness. You see, I have moments of intense OCD tendency, specifically when it comes to organization of things. Por exemplor, my wardrobe is, to say the least, ridiculously large. I could probably go a month without washing a single thing and not have worn the same stuff twice (stuff referring to the "stanky" articles, usually underwear, shirts, and socks). I have a dresser, three cloth-like hamper/separator thingys, and an empty closet rack. I don't hang my clothes, nor do I fold them. They get shoved into my dresser (if they're lucky) until it's full to bursting, and the spillover is maintained in the hamper(s). I have one bag/hamper dedicated to dirty clothes, and when it fills up, I wash it. The process begins all over again.

I don't like this system, folks. It drives me absolutely bonkers. But I also don't want to fold/hang my clothes. I don't know why, but I just can't get myself to do it. I think it's a time constraint that I feel is wasted in comparison to other productive things I could do, like play video games on my newly constructed mega-PC (which has frozen on my like six times already, and is pissing me off). I can't find an organizational style for my laundry that I like. It SUCKS! So I've been looking in to why I feel this way. The OCD-ness doesn't really bother me when it comes to storage of other sorts (ie, stocking the fridge/pantry, my backpack, etc.). I figured there must be a tie into why it only bothers me with laundry and very few other things. 

And then it hit me: I'm single. AH! I know what you're thinking; "he's just gonna blabber on about his sucky life and singleness and girls and blahblahdefrickinblah."  RIGHT! Well, almost. You see, I've discovered that the reason behind my massive OCD-ness with laundry, and many other things (like an irrational fear that leads me to wear two shirts, pretty much always) is because I am comparing my current state of life with what I hope to be my future state of life. That is to say, I'm bothered by my laundry setup because I fear that if/when I have a wife, she'll be annoyed by it too, and I don't like that. 

I know, I'm very freaking weird. But I can't help it. I wish I could let it go, but it just won't drop. It's like I'm doomed to think about it until it happens, but I think if I do that, it'll never happen, and I'll just get stuck in an infinite loop of suck. What really sucks, though, is that if I were to get a female counterpart (otherwise known as a girlfriend, but that term always sounded a bit...elementary to me I guess), I have a feeling dropping notions of my issues because I fear that it would bother my wife (keyword, indicating marriage), she'd flip and be gone in a heartbeat.

The harsh truth is, I'm far too immature to even handle marriage right now. Why it continually bothers me is the question of the year I suppose, but either way, I really am not ready for anything like that. I mean, think of it this way: the truly "Godly" man/husband/dude/awesome is a provider and protector, serves his wife and children just after God in the heirarchy, is selfless, the head of household, decision-maker, handyman...you get my point. Let's see how I stack up.

Provider: I have no job, no job experience, no car of my own, still live with my mom, don't pay rent, and oftentimes don't see the point in getting a job in such a sweet setup.

Protector: I can't fight worth crap. Not even verbally. The only time I ever truly hit someone was when my 9 year old niece - who was being a smart-aleck - called me some stupid name after I had had a really bad day, and I struck back physically, slapping her and dropping an F-bomb. I was then verbally assaulted by her mother who misunderstood the situation and threatened to have me arrested for child abuse or something like it. You know what I did? I cried. I cried really, really hard. I wanted to kill myself - to the point where I half-assedly tried to do so by smashing my head into a metal folding chair about six or so times, hoping I'd develop an aneurysm and die. Clearly, not the best protector.

Selfless: I don't think I'm alone here, but it still plays a vital part. If I can't get serving God right, how can I ever expect to properly serve my wife or kids? It's hard enough as it is being as selfless as I try to be.

HoH/Decision Maker: I am an extremely indecisive man. Boy. Whatever. Let's just say I'm absolutely no help in figuring out what to do for dinner.

Handyman: Well, this isn't really a Godly-type calling, but I guess it could be lumped in with "provider." I don't know squat about household repair or vehicle maintenance beyond basic, almost common-sensical things. I can change a tire, change the oil, change a battery, I've seen how to change brakes via a sandrail, and I could probably change spark plugs if the need arose (and I don't know if "arose" is a word). As for the house: I can change a lightbulb, change a battery, unclog a drain/toilet, change the water seals for pipes, use simple drill/screwdriver things, and I make a great voltage tester (via touching something electrically charged and telling you how much it hurt).

As you can see, I'm not in great shape here. And that's not a big problem, mind you. I am only 19. However, I think some of these principles would likely carry over to the pre-marital state and might attribute, aside from the obvious, to why I am in the position I'm in. 

But I dunno. I think I obsess a lot about being single and all this mumbo jumbo because it's all I've ever really known. It doesn't help that I've been studying theories and experimentations and hypotheses about love and romance from my psychology/sociology classes, and don't really have any way of testing them out so to speak. It also doesn't help that one of my fallback plans for a profession is a marriage counselor. Oh hysteria, thy name is mine. 

Yeah. I'd go more into about my anxiousness and stress and would define myself as a procrastinating perfectionist when it comes to school, but for now I'll just let that sink in. Can't unbottle too much crazy all at once. I'd have no friends left otherwise.

Thanks for allowing me to give your mind a blowjob! That sounded inappropriate. Hawt.

~@

The Christ Agenda

If you know me, you'll know that I absolutely abhor politics. And now you know me. Well, at least one very small part of me. For some reason, politics strike me as the most useless waste of breath ever devised. I realize that this may be seriously contended by some of you, as I have a feeling not everyone agrees with my stance on this.

Just know that the mere idea of politics and I don't really get along. This will become important shortly.

So I was reading again in Don Miller's book Searching For God Knows What. I'm almost done with it, too. You'd think I'd have finished it ages ago, what with how long I've been discussing it and all. Something else you must realize with me is that I don't read a whole lot for extra-curricular fun. I enjoy reading, to be sure, but I'm also slightly A.D.D. and only find time to read whilst sitting in my bathroom, doing...uh...depository type things.

Anyways...I've been fascinated with Miller's chapter on morality, with an emphasis on the purpose of morality, or it's driving force. I won't go big into this, simply because I think Miller words it way better than I could. So he's talking about how people are moral for the wrong reasons - namely, any other reason than for the sake of pleasing God. That about sums up his whole point, but I really suggest you read it yourself to get a better picture of it, a well-rounded look, if you will.  

So he goes on and on about people using morality as an arguing point, discussing the many factions that war against each other because of immorality amongst themselves and whatnot. What really piqued my interest here was his mention of political ties to religion and morality. 

He talks about a spot he did on a conservative secular radio talk show that was basically known for bashing liberals and the like (you know, very Rush Limbaugh). Miller is confronted about a "group of gays taking over America." I must admit that I chuckled rather audibly at his reply: "what group of homosexuals do you know of that are actively working towards running our country?" Granted, this is paraphrased, but you get the idea. He then goes on to tell this radio host that he can name ten (10) Christian organizations doing just that - that is, making extreme efforts to get their Christian representatives into office. 

What I really love about Miller is he doesn't bullsh!t people (I edited it for ye with sensitive eyes). After this whole radio talk show deal, he ties in the notion that we as Christians are called to one thing and one thing only. We are to FOLLOW CHRIST in love. That. Is. It. Those who are affiliated with the Church of Christ who are actively attempting to get into office and make a change are basically trying to build a theocracy. And as you probably know, theocracy doesn't work out. The power is used to tempt those with said power to become corrupt and more sinful than before - not to mention the lack of humility. 

Now I'm not saying that Christians have no place in government positions. That would be inequality at it's finest. So if you're gung ho about politics, then be my guest. But for the sake of Jesus, don't do it with an agenda of morals. Do it with an agenda of sharing Christ and His love with people.

I'm gonna quote Miller again real quick, because I think his words hold enormous power:

"Jesus did not trust us to build a utopia. He kept it very simple, in fact. Follow Me, He said. I have no opinion about what color the paint should be in this prison. Follow Me."

This is so in tune with my beliefs, it made me wanna poop more. I'm not even joking. Okay, maybe a little, but still. Why, oh why, are we wasting so much time, energy, and breath trying to make this Hell a better place, when we know the outcome will be the same? We should be saving people, not the world. 

So what does it matter if the economy is going down the drain? So what if there's war? Poverty? Starvation? Scarcity of water? These things shouldn't be prompting us to solve them. They should be prompting us to save those inflicted. After all, these all lead up to the big show, and those who did not hear the Word will hate us for not doing a better job. Besides, am I the only one that wants our eternity with Christ to truly begin or what? The sooner the sheep hear the message, the sooner He will come back. Read Revelation if you don't believe me.

So basically, now you know why I think politics are downright silly. At least, having an agenda that somehow miraculously leaves out Jesus' love. 

Uhm, that's all I really have for now. If you'd like to talk to me about it (or really anything, as I love to discuss anything with friends) just let me know =)

Until next time,

~@

Why I Don't Do Softy Music Often

I was going to write this hours ago, but some friends decided they wanted to invade my house, so I made some quick notes about what to write. For the sake of letting you see my oddness, here are the notes, verbatim, copy+pasted from a notepad document:

don miller quote "cookies vs. love"

not loving self

incomparable: don't understand falling in love

humility vs. reverse-narcissism

other stuff.

just kinda vent I guess

debatable whether it's public or not

Yep. I'm an odd cookie. Anyway, let's use this as a table of contents I suppose.
Granted, they'll be kinda smooshed all together. Also, a quick warning to those who read this: I am notorious for seeming depressed. I am not, indeed, depressed, just socially stunted by my thinking sometimes. It's why I write my crap down for people to see so I don't have to explain it to them verbally (which I do an absolute horrible job of in my opinion).

Okay, the first item is another quote from Don Miller's book I've been reading (see earlier blogs for more info). In it, he's talking currently about the gospel of Christ, and how it isn't a formula, but a relational thing. Here's the quote I'd like to work off of:

""Becoming a Christian might look more like falling in love than baking cookies." - Donald Miller

This really does make sense, you know. The only way to God is through His Son, Jesus. But can you really put a formula on that? Can you truly know Jesus if all you know of Him is some bullet points about His life and teachings? Absolutely not.

The main point that I adore from Miller is his comparison of knowing Christ to the "process" of falling for a girl (or guy, whatever). He could only come up with one step before he and his students figured that "it isn't exactly a scientific process." Oh, how right you are.

I've been taught many things regarding logical explanation and science in college, as well as in my earlier days. I've learned that reasoning is a crucial, everyday thing we humans use. But I also have discovered that logic doesn't seem to fit with the idea of love. For instance, Christ loved all, especially sinners. He ate with them, slept in their homes, talked to them as if they were people of value. This goes against logic, right? You might answer "it depends on whose logic you're talking about." But isn't it all man's logic? The Pharisees were no dumb cookies; they were upstanding citizens (uptight too, but I digress). Yet the logic that served them in such high and mighty positions was faulted when it came to relationships.

So that would help to define the lack of logic in love (oh snap, alliteration FTW). However, I still am struggling with the concept of the quote. Sure, I get the implication that rather than following defined instructions that always yield the same result if followed faithfully, one must establish a loving relationship with the Christ, by whatever means it takes to do so (it really shouldn't be hard, given the insurmountable love Christ beams our way). And yet, I feel a bit disadvantaged.

To tell you the truth, I'm not sure what falling in love feels like. Or what it is like in general. I have what people have tried to describe with words, which obviously falls short. I have a vague idea of the emotions and thought processes involved, but I don't have any real "concrete" proof. You might think this means I'm relying on logic. But I think you're missing my point, if so. If you know me and some of my not-so-distant past, you'll know that I've once believed I was in love. But I also believe that love (true love - love worth having) lasts forever and only changes by growing stronger. I don't see that happening like I thought I would. So perhaps I've duped myself. 

At any rate, I still feel disabled by this. I also feel that, as a consequence, I have failed to show love to myself. No, not in that sense, sicko. I mean, I tend to be down on myself ALL THE TIME. Just think about it for a second. When was the last time I honestly seemed self-confident to you? Exactly.

And here's the kicker. I'd rather be down on myself all the time and consider myself humble than risk being proud and self-loving. It's true, Jesus calls us to be selfless in love, and to be humble. I just don't think I've gotten that stuff down yet. It also doesn't help that my self esteem takes hits just about everyday because of my own stupid mind and nothing that anyone else really has control over. 

I get upset with my singing if I hear myself make one stupid mistake to the point where I question my ability to sing altogether. I take things people say, good and bad, and hold them against my own judgments to test validity, and it usually ends up just kicking me in the butt either way. Here's an example from today: I was at the YL car wash, and I made a syntactically harmless joke, but given the context, I was rebuked on it twice. I know I'm a leader and need to set a good example, so I take the pains from those rebukes and store them for some horribly sadistic reason. Even now, I think about it and it feels like I get stabbed again. It sucks.

I would go on and discuss why I feel inadequate to even dream about dating one of the "greats" in my life (make sense now, K?), but I think you'd just think I was whining. Just know that it's how I feel, and if you want to know why I can tell you, but I'd rather not divulge my idiocy to everyone on the internet. 

As for the title? I start to think a lot about relationships and mushy gushy romance crap that I oftentimes believe is some sadistic plague on my life (like living in a candy store as a child but having no mouth...sort of). I'd rather listen to music that speaks from the heart about God, which is why I love the intense Christian stuff. Yep.

Well, I think that covers most, if not all, of what I'd hoped of accomplishing here. As always, questions/comments/suggestions/whatever are highly encouraged and sought after, as I love to hear what others think (it's kinda my major in college, after all).

Thanks for listening,

~@

Abandoning Promise (song)

As you'll see, I went back to the rhyming for a bit on this one.
I've been obsessively listening to Number One Gun, and got inspired by a friend tonight to write a song. Granted, it's a love song, so you'll have to bear with me if you're not into that stuff. Also, you can interpret it however you like. I kind of wrote it from a dual perspective of a guy-to-girl relationship, but I think it could also be a love song from God to a girl (I'd include guys but...verse 2 kinda ruins that idea). Anyway, enjoy!

Smile and know
That you are loved
And so just rest
Your eyes
Don’t go
Believing all those lies

Laugh and see
That you were meant
To be the very girl
You are
Now shine just like
(The) a star (that you are)


Oh! And then
The world makes sense again.
You see,
I've found
What makes my
Heart pound.
And to my surprise
All along it's been you
In disguise.


Run and leap
You’re in my book
Of things to keep
So take a look
At yourself
And see why I don't want
Anybody else

Oh! And then
The world makes sense again.
You see,
I've found
What makes my
Heart pound.
And to my surprise
All along it's been you
In disguise.



Don’t forget
What you can't remember
It’s not like you
As cold as December
To give up hope
Abandoning promise
So you can cope
So you can cope
(You’re worth more than this)


Oh! And then
The world makes sense again.
You see,
I've found
What makes my
Heart pound.
And to my surprise
All along it's been you
In disguise.

Oh! And then
The world makes sense again.
Don’t you see?
I've found
What makes my
Heart pound.
And to my surprise
All along (all along)
All along it's been you...


© @othern 2009.