Why I Don't Do Softy Music Often

I was going to write this hours ago, but some friends decided they wanted to invade my house, so I made some quick notes about what to write. For the sake of letting you see my oddness, here are the notes, verbatim, copy+pasted from a notepad document:

don miller quote "cookies vs. love"

not loving self

incomparable: don't understand falling in love

humility vs. reverse-narcissism

other stuff.

just kinda vent I guess

debatable whether it's public or not

Yep. I'm an odd cookie. Anyway, let's use this as a table of contents I suppose.
Granted, they'll be kinda smooshed all together. Also, a quick warning to those who read this: I am notorious for seeming depressed. I am not, indeed, depressed, just socially stunted by my thinking sometimes. It's why I write my crap down for people to see so I don't have to explain it to them verbally (which I do an absolute horrible job of in my opinion).

Okay, the first item is another quote from Don Miller's book I've been reading (see earlier blogs for more info). In it, he's talking currently about the gospel of Christ, and how it isn't a formula, but a relational thing. Here's the quote I'd like to work off of:

""Becoming a Christian might look more like falling in love than baking cookies." - Donald Miller

This really does make sense, you know. The only way to God is through His Son, Jesus. But can you really put a formula on that? Can you truly know Jesus if all you know of Him is some bullet points about His life and teachings? Absolutely not.

The main point that I adore from Miller is his comparison of knowing Christ to the "process" of falling for a girl (or guy, whatever). He could only come up with one step before he and his students figured that "it isn't exactly a scientific process." Oh, how right you are.

I've been taught many things regarding logical explanation and science in college, as well as in my earlier days. I've learned that reasoning is a crucial, everyday thing we humans use. But I also have discovered that logic doesn't seem to fit with the idea of love. For instance, Christ loved all, especially sinners. He ate with them, slept in their homes, talked to them as if they were people of value. This goes against logic, right? You might answer "it depends on whose logic you're talking about." But isn't it all man's logic? The Pharisees were no dumb cookies; they were upstanding citizens (uptight too, but I digress). Yet the logic that served them in such high and mighty positions was faulted when it came to relationships.

So that would help to define the lack of logic in love (oh snap, alliteration FTW). However, I still am struggling with the concept of the quote. Sure, I get the implication that rather than following defined instructions that always yield the same result if followed faithfully, one must establish a loving relationship with the Christ, by whatever means it takes to do so (it really shouldn't be hard, given the insurmountable love Christ beams our way). And yet, I feel a bit disadvantaged.

To tell you the truth, I'm not sure what falling in love feels like. Or what it is like in general. I have what people have tried to describe with words, which obviously falls short. I have a vague idea of the emotions and thought processes involved, but I don't have any real "concrete" proof. You might think this means I'm relying on logic. But I think you're missing my point, if so. If you know me and some of my not-so-distant past, you'll know that I've once believed I was in love. But I also believe that love (true love - love worth having) lasts forever and only changes by growing stronger. I don't see that happening like I thought I would. So perhaps I've duped myself. 

At any rate, I still feel disabled by this. I also feel that, as a consequence, I have failed to show love to myself. No, not in that sense, sicko. I mean, I tend to be down on myself ALL THE TIME. Just think about it for a second. When was the last time I honestly seemed self-confident to you? Exactly.

And here's the kicker. I'd rather be down on myself all the time and consider myself humble than risk being proud and self-loving. It's true, Jesus calls us to be selfless in love, and to be humble. I just don't think I've gotten that stuff down yet. It also doesn't help that my self esteem takes hits just about everyday because of my own stupid mind and nothing that anyone else really has control over. 

I get upset with my singing if I hear myself make one stupid mistake to the point where I question my ability to sing altogether. I take things people say, good and bad, and hold them against my own judgments to test validity, and it usually ends up just kicking me in the butt either way. Here's an example from today: I was at the YL car wash, and I made a syntactically harmless joke, but given the context, I was rebuked on it twice. I know I'm a leader and need to set a good example, so I take the pains from those rebukes and store them for some horribly sadistic reason. Even now, I think about it and it feels like I get stabbed again. It sucks.

I would go on and discuss why I feel inadequate to even dream about dating one of the "greats" in my life (make sense now, K?), but I think you'd just think I was whining. Just know that it's how I feel, and if you want to know why I can tell you, but I'd rather not divulge my idiocy to everyone on the internet. 

As for the title? I start to think a lot about relationships and mushy gushy romance crap that I oftentimes believe is some sadistic plague on my life (like living in a candy store as a child but having no mouth...sort of). I'd rather listen to music that speaks from the heart about God, which is why I love the intense Christian stuff. Yep.

Well, I think that covers most, if not all, of what I'd hoped of accomplishing here. As always, questions/comments/suggestions/whatever are highly encouraged and sought after, as I love to hear what others think (it's kinda my major in college, after all).

Thanks for listening,

~@