I am moving over to the dark side.
tumblr, that is.
I've been following a few guys' tumblr pages and really enjoyed the design capabilities, as well as the user base (it seems no one uses blogger anymore, at least nobody in my target demographic), so I have decided to switch over.
Any and all posts from here on out will be posted on my tumblr page (link below).
I will keep this blog up for archival purposes, as some of my older rants and my testimony are quite long and could throw my new page into a funk.
Here is the link to my new blog. Use it well. Click Here Nao
Alright then. That's settled.
Love you, blogger.
~@
March 31, 2010
March 25, 2010
A Call To Arms
I'm really tired of waiting around for something to happen. I know impatience is a bad thing, but I honestly feel like I should be doing something proactive about my calling rather than just kinda sit around and sing all the time. That being said, I would like to enlist your help.
Here is what I believe to be my calling for ministry (what I hope to do with my life for Christ, to those who didn't quite understand right away):
I feel that God has led me to head up a metal band similar to For Today, Sleeping Giant, Underoath, ITMOL, The Crimson Armada, APFP, TDWP, etc (these are not my sole influences, but just some bigger names in the industry). The goal is to sing/scream for said band, making a unique sound that will help us stand out (quite crucial really) and to bring the gospel to the previously unreachable metal masses. If you have ever gone to a metal concert, you can plainly see that the hearts of these kids are extremely passionate, but VERY often misled. They feed off hate, and most of them have had a terrible experience with Christ before, due to us stupid Christians being so misleading with our faith.
In order to fulfill this calling, though, I need to find a band (obviously). For a long time (about a year), I had struggled to even scream properly, but about a month ago kinda got my start doing it right, and am progressing. My first plan is to do vocal covers for two reasons: 1) is that I practice more frequently when I want to cover things for perfection's sake, and 2) I can record said covers and post them on the internet to kinda give people a taste of my style.
About a year ago, I had put out an APB for musicians who just wanted to play in a band period. I had stated that it would be Christian, but had really no serious intentions other than maybe playing a show or two at bars or something someday. A couple guys whom I love dearly stepped up, and we've been "a band" since. The thing is, we don't practice very often, we're not getting any better with our instruments (I sort of am, but not a whole lot yet), and as they're both still in high school sophomores, it doesn't appear that we'll be doing anything major any time soon. I also am not certain that their hearts are where mine is in terms of absolute calling. I know they have good intentions, but what I need is a band wholly dedicated to Jesus; not the music or the fans or the money or fame or whatever. Jesus. And I'm not saying that these dudes are like that, but some things indicate a lack of absolute dedication that I want.
All that being said, I am seeking help. I need a band. Ideally, I could find a band just shy of a singer who are all set like I am on ministry through the music, and nothing more. Unfortunately for me, most bands like that have a dead-set vocalist who appears the most dedicated (aka will not step down). So I have no problem starting from scratch really, as that seems to be what's going to happen anyway. What I need are some people (no gender requirement, though methinks not many of you ladies are all too into metal itself) who are good with their instruments, like blessed by God good, with willing hearts
and a calling to do music for Jesus.
Said persons will not need tour-worthy gear YET, but must be willing to set aside money to get some. Being in a band is a lot more costly than a lot of people think.
This will not be a soft-style band. There will be blood. Granted, I do enjoy throwing a good falsetto into the mix, by and large, this band will be intensity, passion, energy, and most importantly, love. So if you're looking to play Jack Johnson or The Beatles style stuff, look elsewhere.
I do plan on making this my job. Ideally I would also work with a design company, record company, promotion, or recording stuff too, but primarily it would be ministry, much like a worship pastor at a church, only my church is comprised of dark, smelly stages and pissed off kids as my congregation (though I'm not aiming to preach per se).
Also, it would be fitting to say that I do intend on finishing my schooling (Lord willing) before doing anything like touring the entire country. I am on track to graduate in May of 2011. That does not mean, however, that we will wait until then to practice, play shows, promote, or write music. Getting a band off the ground is going to take time, so I feel that staying in school while I can is a smart move.
Musicians that I am looking for are:
-Guitarists. I would like at least two, as that provides a wider range of writing capabilities, but I know several great bands with only one guitarist.
-Bass player. You and the drummer are the backbone, the "heavy" of our sound, primarily. Guitars help, but you need to be REALLY good with scales to make the metal awesome.
-Drummer. Double bass pedal work is a must. I have a really ghetto set at my house if you don't own one, but methinks any highly talented drummer is talented because (s)he plays their own set a lot.
*Keyboardist. This is optional, but sampling can really liven up the sound and bring a lot to the table for a band.
*Other vocalist(s). This is, again, optional. This should also be tied into other band members for backup vocals only, or some switch off parts. I don't mean to come across as controlling, but I LOVE to sing, and my screaming is fairly unique which makes harmonizing and such a bit more awkward.
Clendis and David, I'm not cutting you guys from the band or anything, I'm just making it an open forum. I love you guys a ton, but I need that dedication. If you're serious about this, we need to get crackin' on our instruments, and not just jamming together but practicing by ourselves as well.
To the rest of you, if you, or someone you know, feels that you/they fit what I'm looking for, please contact me somehow about it, and we'll get to work on the whole mess.
Also, if you know of any bands that are looking for a vocalist and fit this description, PLEASE inform me and/or them! I understand this is a long shot, but you never know until you try, right?
Also also, if you can think of any songs you want me to do a vocal cover of, hit me up and I'll do my best. Please try to stick within the metal-esque genre, as trying to scream a pop song just doesn't work too well. I also do clean singing covers to some pop/rock stuff (Mayday Parade, All Time Low, etc.) so those would be fine as well. I just want to improve and get a "portfolio" of sorts going.
Also also also, if you know of any OTHER ways of getting my call to arms out there, please let me know. It's kind of a hard thing to intentionally do in Arizona, it seems.
That's about it. Thanks for reading, and please help me out! I know God is faithful and will provide, I simply wanted to do my best to get something done myself so I'm not being lazy about it.
Bless you,
~@othern
P.S. Sorry for not keeping this blog updated too much, but I've been in a hustle to get stuff done in the past few weeks, and really haven't done much writing, even for school or myself, so I apologize to anyone who might read this. I'll try to keep it more regular. Maybe I just need more fiber in my diet, ha.
Here is what I believe to be my calling for ministry (what I hope to do with my life for Christ, to those who didn't quite understand right away):
I feel that God has led me to head up a metal band similar to For Today, Sleeping Giant, Underoath, ITMOL, The Crimson Armada, APFP, TDWP, etc (these are not my sole influences, but just some bigger names in the industry). The goal is to sing/scream for said band, making a unique sound that will help us stand out (quite crucial really) and to bring the gospel to the previously unreachable metal masses. If you have ever gone to a metal concert, you can plainly see that the hearts of these kids are extremely passionate, but VERY often misled. They feed off hate, and most of them have had a terrible experience with Christ before, due to us stupid Christians being so misleading with our faith.
In order to fulfill this calling, though, I need to find a band (obviously). For a long time (about a year), I had struggled to even scream properly, but about a month ago kinda got my start doing it right, and am progressing. My first plan is to do vocal covers for two reasons: 1) is that I practice more frequently when I want to cover things for perfection's sake, and 2) I can record said covers and post them on the internet to kinda give people a taste of my style.
About a year ago, I had put out an APB for musicians who just wanted to play in a band period. I had stated that it would be Christian, but had really no serious intentions other than maybe playing a show or two at bars or something someday. A couple guys whom I love dearly stepped up, and we've been "a band" since. The thing is, we don't practice very often, we're not getting any better with our instruments (I sort of am, but not a whole lot yet), and as they're both still in high school sophomores, it doesn't appear that we'll be doing anything major any time soon. I also am not certain that their hearts are where mine is in terms of absolute calling. I know they have good intentions, but what I need is a band wholly dedicated to Jesus; not the music or the fans or the money or fame or whatever. Jesus. And I'm not saying that these dudes are like that, but some things indicate a lack of absolute dedication that I want.
All that being said, I am seeking help. I need a band. Ideally, I could find a band just shy of a singer who are all set like I am on ministry through the music, and nothing more. Unfortunately for me, most bands like that have a dead-set vocalist who appears the most dedicated (aka will not step down). So I have no problem starting from scratch really, as that seems to be what's going to happen anyway. What I need are some people (no gender requirement, though methinks not many of you ladies are all too into metal itself) who are good with their instruments, like blessed by God good, with willing hearts
and a calling to do music for Jesus.
Said persons will not need tour-worthy gear YET, but must be willing to set aside money to get some. Being in a band is a lot more costly than a lot of people think.
This will not be a soft-style band. There will be blood. Granted, I do enjoy throwing a good falsetto into the mix, by and large, this band will be intensity, passion, energy, and most importantly, love. So if you're looking to play Jack Johnson or The Beatles style stuff, look elsewhere.
I do plan on making this my job. Ideally I would also work with a design company, record company, promotion, or recording stuff too, but primarily it would be ministry, much like a worship pastor at a church, only my church is comprised of dark, smelly stages and pissed off kids as my congregation (though I'm not aiming to preach per se).
Also, it would be fitting to say that I do intend on finishing my schooling (Lord willing) before doing anything like touring the entire country. I am on track to graduate in May of 2011. That does not mean, however, that we will wait until then to practice, play shows, promote, or write music. Getting a band off the ground is going to take time, so I feel that staying in school while I can is a smart move.
Musicians that I am looking for are:
-Guitarists. I would like at least two, as that provides a wider range of writing capabilities, but I know several great bands with only one guitarist.
-Bass player. You and the drummer are the backbone, the "heavy" of our sound, primarily. Guitars help, but you need to be REALLY good with scales to make the metal awesome.
-Drummer. Double bass pedal work is a must. I have a really ghetto set at my house if you don't own one, but methinks any highly talented drummer is talented because (s)he plays their own set a lot.
*Keyboardist. This is optional, but sampling can really liven up the sound and bring a lot to the table for a band.
*Other vocalist(s). This is, again, optional. This should also be tied into other band members for backup vocals only, or some switch off parts. I don't mean to come across as controlling, but I LOVE to sing, and my screaming is fairly unique which makes harmonizing and such a bit more awkward.
Clendis and David, I'm not cutting you guys from the band or anything, I'm just making it an open forum. I love you guys a ton, but I need that dedication. If you're serious about this, we need to get crackin' on our instruments, and not just jamming together but practicing by ourselves as well.
To the rest of you, if you, or someone you know, feels that you/they fit what I'm looking for, please contact me somehow about it, and we'll get to work on the whole mess.
Also, if you know of any bands that are looking for a vocalist and fit this description, PLEASE inform me and/or them! I understand this is a long shot, but you never know until you try, right?
Also also, if you can think of any songs you want me to do a vocal cover of, hit me up and I'll do my best. Please try to stick within the metal-esque genre, as trying to scream a pop song just doesn't work too well. I also do clean singing covers to some pop/rock stuff (Mayday Parade, All Time Low, etc.) so those would be fine as well. I just want to improve and get a "portfolio" of sorts going.
Also also also, if you know of any OTHER ways of getting my call to arms out there, please let me know. It's kind of a hard thing to intentionally do in Arizona, it seems.
That's about it. Thanks for reading, and please help me out! I know God is faithful and will provide, I simply wanted to do my best to get something done myself so I'm not being lazy about it.
Bless you,
~@othern
P.S. Sorry for not keeping this blog updated too much, but I've been in a hustle to get stuff done in the past few weeks, and really haven't done much writing, even for school or myself, so I apologize to anyone who might read this. I'll try to keep it more regular. Maybe I just need more fiber in my diet, ha.
March 09, 2010
Thingsome (Poem)
I'm kinda breaking my own rules here, and wrote a poem instead of lyrics, though I suppose one could potentially alter it a bit and make it music-worthy. I was browsing a poetry website and just got a wave of inspiration by the title "Something" by Maddaline Liotta. I didn't even read the poem (though I'm sure it's great), but I just went on a writing craze. Here is the result:
I thought it was pretty cool.
Anyway, I've gotta get to bed. One week until spring break for me, which means I just might churn out some new writing in a week or so. Stay tuned, and give me ideas on what to write about!
lovelovelovelovelovelovelove,
~@othern
there is always something.
you cannot grasp it
you cannot find it
you want it, no, need it
there is always something.
the pursuit of happiness
forms a wide circle of confusion
and insatiable thirsts
there is always something.
no leaves remain unturned
no shadows unsearched
no hands that have gone without holding
there is always something.
every sweet, bitter morsel
all refreshing swash
come and gone, turned to ashes
there is always something.
nets and traps cannot keep it
nor can it be contained at all
yet within us it lies dormant
and ready to be had
there is always something.
I thought it was pretty cool.
Anyway, I've gotta get to bed. One week until spring break for me, which means I just might churn out some new writing in a week or so. Stay tuned, and give me ideas on what to write about!
lovelovelovelovelovelovelove,
~@othern
February 24, 2010
Neckbolts That Say Otherwise (Song)
New song, yay! I had the first two lines written a long time ago, and just tonight finished off the rest of it. Quick explanation: I took the multiple Old-Testament scriptures about shepherds leading their flocks astray (e.g., Jeremiah 50:6), and mixed it with a Frankenstein/Beauty and the Beast kinda feel. The end piece is roughly cut from Zechariah 13:7 as well.
Yep, that's all he wrote. For now.
Just one tidbit of news and then I'm going to bed. My mom found my firewire (the cable that connects my video camera to my PC) so I FINALLY uploaded my three old vocal covers from when I was using fry screaming. They're on my facebook if you want to check them out. As a consequence (a good one) of this, I am hereby going to be making other cover videos as I practice my singing/screaming, and will happily take requests, though not all requests may be actually covered (depends on style, lyrics, etc.).
Okay, bye-bye now.
lovelovelovelovelovelovelove,
~@othern
Oh misled flock, where have your eyes gone?
They're as vacant as your chest.
I've never left you to the lions before,
But it seems I've been harboring worse all along.
I've created a monster...
It's alive, it's alive!
Grab your swords, your pitchforks and
Let's put this beast to...
I am the shepherd of the fallen ones,
And my pasture is chaos and despair.
Don't look for comfort in my care.
My flock is for the slaughter.
Oh children of Zion! How I have failed you.
I've create a monster...
It's alive, it's alive!
Grab your swords, your pitchforks and
Let's put this beast to...death.
Smite the shepherd, kill the beast
Smite the shepherd, kill the beast
Spare the lamb, spare the lamb
Spare the lamb, spare the lamb
Yep, that's all he wrote. For now.
Just one tidbit of news and then I'm going to bed. My mom found my firewire (the cable that connects my video camera to my PC) so I FINALLY uploaded my three old vocal covers from when I was using fry screaming. They're on my facebook if you want to check them out. As a consequence (a good one) of this, I am hereby going to be making other cover videos as I practice my singing/screaming, and will happily take requests, though not all requests may be actually covered (depends on style, lyrics, etc.).
Okay, bye-bye now.
lovelovelovelovelovelovelove,
~@othern
February 19, 2010
Bootstomp The Forked End (Song)
I'm back again. Sorry about not updating. Once again, life has decided to take over my life (ha) so my usual free time has been shortened to the point where I rarely have time to even THINK of writing. As it were, I will update you on some things after the lyrics and explanation.
Explanation: I took the idea of the serpent being the representation of temptation in the Garden (of Eden) and used that to essentially sum up my constant struggle and attitude towards it. It seems like I am destined to willingly turn my back on Christ for a cheap thrill or two, and I feel like I'm missing out on God's unending love for me by doing so.
Anyway, there are a couple other things I wanted to inform you on. The first is that my vocals have improved. This may seem like a big-whoop moment for you, but for a guy who believes he's called to use his voice to show Christ's love, it means a helluva lot. That being said, my vocals have indeed gotten better, but they still aren't great. I figured this would happen, but I have a great outlook on improvement within the next year or so that I'll still be in school.
Other things I wish to write to you about are:
I read The Shack, that super controversial novel about meeting God for a weekend in a shack. I will say shorthand-like that I enjoyed it thoroughly, and God used it to reveal some truths that I'd never before really considered. Yes, there are inconsistencies, but with a little discernment and a logical approach, you can see the intent behind these fallacies and actually use them to benefit your understanding better. I can and probably will do a full write-up of it, a sort of counter-argument to most of the criticisms when I find the time.
Since then, I've picked up Don Miller's latest, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. So far, it's pretty boss. But it isn't jam-packed with spiritual insight like most of his other work was, at least within the first section. A bit of a shock, but not necessarily disappointing. The reading is still very good and quite funny, and I'd expect nothing less.
I've been getting really involved in the local music scene, or at least trying to lately. Apparently there are quite a few God-fearing local bands that I feel you should check out, if you're into the style of music that I am.
The King's Divide
City In The Sea
Monsters of Maple Street
These dudes are legit, and even though they aren't pro, I'd say they've got potential.
Something big that's going on in my life is a ministry shift. Let me explain. For the past 4-5 years or so I've been involved with a ministry called Young Life which reaches out to the lost in high schools via friendship and various activities to hang out at. It's a really great organization, the people are generally awesome, and the kids are the best part (aside from Jesus being with you, obvs). However, this year has been a bit of a struggle for me. For one thing, our "staffing" of leaders have dwindled, and our decade-long head leader recently dropped out of the game for awhile. I am basically the most experienced leader on our team, which, coupled with the fact that I don't really feel that Young Life is my calling, is stressful.
To add to the whole mess, a new college ministry is starting up called Refuge. It's basically a Saturday night church service aimed at young adults (18-25 ish). Our college bible study is "planting" it, and naturally, feeling that I am called to sing, I have committed to a year's worth of attendance and work towards this ministry. The problem is, Young Life can be very demanding if you do it right, and if you aren't doing it right - if your heart isn't 110% into the work - they basically don't want you (it sounds harsher than it really is, but it's the kind of work ethic they want).
So I'm essentially torn. I want to pursue music ministry with this church and eventually a band, but I don't want to leave the kids, or hand the leadership burdens to the inexperienced and possibly cause a collapse.
I've also become increasingly concerned with my other abilities that would be necessary for a band ministry. For instance, I've never been onstage music-wise since I was in a church choir when I was like six. So stage presence is a concern. I've also never fit lyrics to instrumental music, nor written melody for singing/screaming before. So that really worries me. I guess I'm just saying please pray that these things come with experience, and quickly enough to accomplish God's purposes.
Speaking of, I am especially concerned about my periodic sinful ventures keeping me from fulfilling God's will. Plainly speaking, I'm terrified that I'll continue to turn my back on Him, and He will deem me unusable, and I will never accomplish what He has for me. It's a real downer.
Anyway, I think that's about all I have for now. I might be (hopefully) writing another blog or two within the month (haha). The topics: unknown, but I want to write more. It's a good way of clearing my mind, you know?
As always, feel free to talk to me, text me, email me, twitter me, ask me anonymously (see right), comment me, or whatever. I'm open to criticism, compliment, suggestions, requests, declarations, and the like.
lovelovelovelovelovelove,
~@othern
I made a veil; it hides my shame
So nothing but good comes with my name
I am a fraud, but at least I admit it
I am a fraud, and somehow I can't quit it
I can't live my life
Failure by failure
My weary heart is dying
From all this denying
Of love
I know not what you speak
Of love
Say what you really mean
Of love
Oh how I long to feel
Of love
Something that's never real to me
I can't decipher; the vipers
They cloak lies in whispers
Seductive, selective, destructive
I eat it up, eat it up
Dripping fangs of deceit and regret
I welcome the feast of innocence
And their venom keeps me denying
Your love
I know not what you speak
Of love
Say what you really mean
Of love
Oh how I long to feel
Your love
Something that's never real to me
Put an end to the torment and
Crush the head of the serpent
Crush the head of the serpent
Crush the head of the serpent
Explanation: I took the idea of the serpent being the representation of temptation in the Garden (of Eden) and used that to essentially sum up my constant struggle and attitude towards it. It seems like I am destined to willingly turn my back on Christ for a cheap thrill or two, and I feel like I'm missing out on God's unending love for me by doing so.
Anyway, there are a couple other things I wanted to inform you on. The first is that my vocals have improved. This may seem like a big-whoop moment for you, but for a guy who believes he's called to use his voice to show Christ's love, it means a helluva lot. That being said, my vocals have indeed gotten better, but they still aren't great. I figured this would happen, but I have a great outlook on improvement within the next year or so that I'll still be in school.
Other things I wish to write to you about are:
I read The Shack, that super controversial novel about meeting God for a weekend in a shack. I will say shorthand-like that I enjoyed it thoroughly, and God used it to reveal some truths that I'd never before really considered. Yes, there are inconsistencies, but with a little discernment and a logical approach, you can see the intent behind these fallacies and actually use them to benefit your understanding better. I can and probably will do a full write-up of it, a sort of counter-argument to most of the criticisms when I find the time.
Since then, I've picked up Don Miller's latest, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. So far, it's pretty boss. But it isn't jam-packed with spiritual insight like most of his other work was, at least within the first section. A bit of a shock, but not necessarily disappointing. The reading is still very good and quite funny, and I'd expect nothing less.
I've been getting really involved in the local music scene, or at least trying to lately. Apparently there are quite a few God-fearing local bands that I feel you should check out, if you're into the style of music that I am.
The King's Divide
City In The Sea
Monsters of Maple Street
These dudes are legit, and even though they aren't pro, I'd say they've got potential.
Something big that's going on in my life is a ministry shift. Let me explain. For the past 4-5 years or so I've been involved with a ministry called Young Life which reaches out to the lost in high schools via friendship and various activities to hang out at. It's a really great organization, the people are generally awesome, and the kids are the best part (aside from Jesus being with you, obvs). However, this year has been a bit of a struggle for me. For one thing, our "staffing" of leaders have dwindled, and our decade-long head leader recently dropped out of the game for awhile. I am basically the most experienced leader on our team, which, coupled with the fact that I don't really feel that Young Life is my calling, is stressful.
To add to the whole mess, a new college ministry is starting up called Refuge. It's basically a Saturday night church service aimed at young adults (18-25 ish). Our college bible study is "planting" it, and naturally, feeling that I am called to sing, I have committed to a year's worth of attendance and work towards this ministry. The problem is, Young Life can be very demanding if you do it right, and if you aren't doing it right - if your heart isn't 110% into the work - they basically don't want you (it sounds harsher than it really is, but it's the kind of work ethic they want).
So I'm essentially torn. I want to pursue music ministry with this church and eventually a band, but I don't want to leave the kids, or hand the leadership burdens to the inexperienced and possibly cause a collapse.
I've also become increasingly concerned with my other abilities that would be necessary for a band ministry. For instance, I've never been onstage music-wise since I was in a church choir when I was like six. So stage presence is a concern. I've also never fit lyrics to instrumental music, nor written melody for singing/screaming before. So that really worries me. I guess I'm just saying please pray that these things come with experience, and quickly enough to accomplish God's purposes.
Speaking of, I am especially concerned about my periodic sinful ventures keeping me from fulfilling God's will. Plainly speaking, I'm terrified that I'll continue to turn my back on Him, and He will deem me unusable, and I will never accomplish what He has for me. It's a real downer.
Anyway, I think that's about all I have for now. I might be (hopefully) writing another blog or two within the month (haha). The topics: unknown, but I want to write more. It's a good way of clearing my mind, you know?
As always, feel free to talk to me, text me, email me, twitter me, ask me anonymously (see right), comment me, or whatever. I'm open to criticism, compliment, suggestions, requests, declarations, and the like.
lovelovelovelovelovelove,
~@othern
February 03, 2010
Less Heart Than The Tin Man (Song)
Hey folks, sorry it's been a while. School has officially started sapping all my time and energy, thus leaving me without either to write or whip up some inspiration for writing. I'll try to be more regular, but do bear with me please.
Okay, onto the lyrics.
The basic idea behind this is an accusation against a seemingly repugnant female who lost her faith and now is giving into the world's hold on her. Thus, she becomes a zombie, which we all know needs a good head shot. Note that this is NOT the way to handle someone who's lost their way, mind you. It's more of a depiction of what would happen in the end times, with a fun twist.
As for future blogging, I am more than willing to post things other than my lyrics. I've started reading The Shack by William P. Young, and may write some observations from that. But I would love to write on something that interests you. So if you'd like me to write about something in particular, eg. my opinion on predestination or something, let me know.
Thanks for reading. I hope God blesses you through it!
lovelovelovelovelove,
~@othern
Okay, onto the lyrics.
what the hell is your problem?
oh wait, speak up, that's it
your words smell of decay
and selfishness
They're rotting before
They reach your throat
Choking back all the
Truth you once spoke
So tell me, darling
Where has your heart gone?
Because from where I stand
You're a zombie, baby, so ruthless
You wouldn't know love
If it shot you in the face
Craving nothing but hot flesh
And fetishes, what a lusting disgrace
So tell me, darling
Where has your heart gone?
Because from where I stand
You're a zombie, baby, so loveless
BANG BANG!
I'm aiming for your head, girl
BANG BANG!
It's all that's left unscathed
BANG BANG!
Your chest is but a void, a prison
BANG BANG!
I can't save you, I can't be your savior
But I will be your end tonight
Oh no, my darling!
Oh where have you gone?
Because from where I stand
You're a bloodstain, baby, so lifeless
The basic idea behind this is an accusation against a seemingly repugnant female who lost her faith and now is giving into the world's hold on her. Thus, she becomes a zombie, which we all know needs a good head shot. Note that this is NOT the way to handle someone who's lost their way, mind you. It's more of a depiction of what would happen in the end times, with a fun twist.
As for future blogging, I am more than willing to post things other than my lyrics. I've started reading The Shack by William P. Young, and may write some observations from that. But I would love to write on something that interests you. So if you'd like me to write about something in particular, eg. my opinion on predestination or something, let me know.
Thanks for reading. I hope God blesses you through it!
lovelovelovelovelove,
~@othern
January 19, 2010
The Fool's Gold Centerfold (Song)
Yep, I wrote another one. I was listening to a new Christian metal band called Betraying The Martyrs from France, and it just kind of came to me. Definitely the Lord's words, not my own.
Hope God uses this one to bless you somehow.
The meaning is, again, pretty straight-forward, but I would be glad to discuss it, or really discuss anything, with you if you'd like. Keep praying for me please! I definitely need it. Also let me know how I can help you, if I can help you. I'd honestly love to!
lovelovelovelovelove,
~@
I was there
The day that
Innocence died
I saw her shrouded figure
Fall to the ground
Misty eyed and let down
Murdered by man himself
I felt the breath of purity
As it brushed across my cheek
Her song, it came to me
In not but a whisper
Awake, I see
With stinging clarity
How cruel my sons can be
That they don't know me
I am the void
That you feel inside
You can run, but you can't hide
The hole I left
When you left me
Oh foolish child, believe
Believe
I can raise the dead
Believe
I chose you instead
Believe
I will end the curse
Believe
But you have to trust me first
I was there
The day that
Innocence died
And love was born
And love was born
Hope God uses this one to bless you somehow.
The meaning is, again, pretty straight-forward, but I would be glad to discuss it, or really discuss anything, with you if you'd like. Keep praying for me please! I definitely need it. Also let me know how I can help you, if I can help you. I'd honestly love to!
lovelovelovelovelove,
~@
January 18, 2010
Dropping Calls Like Bombs (Song)
This is kind of a weird song. At first it was just free writing, but I thought it could make a good song or two. It's a two-part wordplay, with a central experience and a before-after type feel. You might just pick it up.
That's about it. Just imagine the first set being violently screamed with chaotic background music and the second set with uplifting, soft to soaring song.
Talk to me if you wish. I'd be glad to talk back.
Pray for me too, please. I'm getting into a bit of a mood (in case you hadn't noticed from the lyrics alone).
Thanks, and lovelovelovelovelove,
~@
lust, lost, last, dirty, filthy, unworthy, biased, failure, sucker, pathetic, loser, cheat, jerk, numb, hypocrite, liar, despairing, dark, sick, distorted, gross, junkie, pervert, predator, murderer, slut, glutton, selfish, hate, fallen, rebel, wrong, crappy, shameful, forgotten, abandoner, faithless, pathetic, petty, selective, mistrust, sorry, dispassionate, mistaken, apathy, alone.
love, forgiven, value, washed, bright, clean, strength, progression, forward, held, future, peace, rest, acceptable, wanted, caring, improved, chosen, voice, love, greatness, humility, help, blessing, freedom, giving, sound, desirable, smile, steps, colorful, love, joyous, hello, always, captive, heart, homebound, welcome, supported, forgetting, thoughts, love, love, love, love, love, love, Jesus, Jesus.
That's about it. Just imagine the first set being violently screamed with chaotic background music and the second set with uplifting, soft to soaring song.
Talk to me if you wish. I'd be glad to talk back.
Pray for me too, please. I'm getting into a bit of a mood (in case you hadn't noticed from the lyrics alone).
Thanks, and lovelovelovelovelove,
~@
January 10, 2010
Ending Hell (Song)
This one was strongly inspired by Sleeping Giant, as I've been really jamming to them a lot, and am totally encouraged by Tommy (the vocalist) and his lyrics, as well as the band's mission. Sharp eyes will draw similarities to War of Ages or Corpus Christi lyrics as well, but that was somewhat unintentional.
Again, another pretty straight-forward song. But if you'd like the full explanation for it, I'd be happy to oblige.
Hope God is moving in you. Pray He continues to do so in me. I'm really stoked for His future for me!
lovelovelovelovelove,
~@othern
How can you call yourself my brothers
When you turn and run
As soon as the dragon roars?
You say you're set apart from the others
Then why don't you stand
And fight in this endless war?
Have all the good ones gone?
Where are all your sons, God?
Forced to face the enemy
Abandoned and forsaken
If you know my God like you say you do
Why not grab up your weapon
And join me in ending Hell?
Have all the good ones gone?
Where are all your sons, God?
Forced to face the enemy
Abandoned, forsaken, alone
"And lo, I am with you always, even unto the
end of the world..."
As my sword runs them through
My eyes wet with pain and their remains
I see Your army come running
And my spirit is renewed once more
With wrath we yell,
"Fare thee well!"
With hope we sing,
"Fight for your King!"
Again, another pretty straight-forward song. But if you'd like the full explanation for it, I'd be happy to oblige.
Hope God is moving in you. Pray He continues to do so in me. I'm really stoked for His future for me!
lovelovelovelovelove,
~@othern
January 07, 2010
Reflections in the Sand
This blog will probably be pretty lame. I'm only writing because I felt like I needed to write, but honestly have little to say. I don't have any new lyrics written to post yet. I'm kinda hoping for some more inspiration for that. I'm also looking for inspiration on other things to write, like my older blogs that weren't lyrical, or a book.
Yes, I do want to write a book. I just don't know what to write it about. I don't even think I could stretch my life to fit more than maybe 60 pages. Then again, I've got a lot of growing to do still.
I don't know. I was reading my super old blogs (before I even made this one) on myspace, and I'm kind of shocked. I was a whiny, selfish emo-brat. Like, seriously. Look at some of the crap I wrote:
LAME! Granted, I was going through probably the hardest part of my life thus far, and even so the writing, albeit annoying and complain-ridden, is quite well-done. Yes, I know. I'm a weird guy.
It's funny, because reading this stuff kinda put me back in that mindset for awhile. No, not the super emo crybaby crap, but the mindset of the whole situation. Now, I know I'm crazy, but I think it could be coming back. Hopefully not the sucky parts, but I feel God moving me somehow. Like, I can totally relate to this, which I wrote way back when:
Shoot-dang. I totally nailed it back then, aye? Aye indeed. Life is a mystery...
Anyway, I also found some old poetry/songs that I never transferred here, so I may be doing that soon, to give you a taste of my progress through the past few years. Figure that could be fun.
Oh, another thing I wanted to tell you is that I've been recently practicing my vocals a lot, and even recorded some (not-so-great) covers during my practice a couple days ago. Only problem is, I can't find my firewire cable to transfer the videos onto my computer. But rest assured, when I do find it, I'll throw em up on youtube or something and if nothing else post a link to them here, so you can get a feel for what I do (even though right now I'm not doing so great haha).
Interesting side-note/story: I have a college-age bible study group Wednesday nights that I attend at my friend's church. So tonight, we were reading the story from Luke 19 about the master who entrusted his servants with his money, and expected them to turn it for profit. I won't detail the whole story for the sake of my slaughtering of the Bible, but what really kind of struck me is our leader-dude Troy decided to do a little exercise where we went around the room and mentioned something we loved to do and had some talent for. I said singing, naturally. Troy then said at the end that we should use what God has given us as passions and talents to turn a profit for His kingdom. It was just a nice reminder from God to me about this band thing I wanna do. I've been getting discouraged because my screaming is still not great, but I think He just wanted to reassure me tonight with that, and I'm thankful for it. So yeah.
I also added a widget to the right (--> that way -->) where you can talk to me anonymously. It's pretty neat. So feel free to use that if you want to say something and not be known, or even if you want to ask me about something. As I've said before, I'm totally down to talk about nearly anything. I may even write a blog explaining my take on certain things if you'd like.
And I know I say this a lot, but I really do love you few who actually read my crap. I write for many reasons, but one I love is to try and be a blessing to you somehow. I'd like to think that my writing could give you peace on certain things, move you somehow, or help you hear God's call for your life. So thank you, whoever you are, for allowing me to be a part of your life, no matter how small.
If you'd like for me to write about something, maybe something you're going through or are having trouble figuring out, or maybe would like to know how I dealt with certain issues, be sure to let me know. My hope is to be a servant with this blog first, and a showcase of my writing and thoughts and self second.
On that note, I think I'll try and get some sleep before a hike with some friends tomorrow (woo). I hope God has been using me to help you somehow! And if He hasn't, take some initiative and talk to me!!
lovelovelovelovelove,
~@
Yes, I do want to write a book. I just don't know what to write it about. I don't even think I could stretch my life to fit more than maybe 60 pages. Then again, I've got a lot of growing to do still.
I don't know. I was reading my super old blogs (before I even made this one) on myspace, and I'm kind of shocked. I was a whiny, selfish emo-brat. Like, seriously. Look at some of the crap I wrote:
I wonder what your heart sings.
I wonder how mine is doing.
I wonder why I love you. Then again, no I don’t. I know why.
WHY are people listening but not hearing?
WHY do I wish I could do nothing but cry for the rest of my life?
All I wanted was to fix it, so why am I breaking instead?
From the tattered fringes of the broken heart flows the ceaseless love, unbound...
LAME! Granted, I was going through probably the hardest part of my life thus far, and even so the writing, albeit annoying and complain-ridden, is quite well-done. Yes, I know. I'm a weird guy.
It's funny, because reading this stuff kinda put me back in that mindset for awhile. No, not the super emo crybaby crap, but the mindset of the whole situation. Now, I know I'm crazy, but I think it could be coming back. Hopefully not the sucky parts, but I feel God moving me somehow. Like, I can totally relate to this, which I wrote way back when:
I’m tired of dormantly chasing after something it seems I’ll never catch.
Shoot-dang. I totally nailed it back then, aye? Aye indeed. Life is a mystery...
Anyway, I also found some old poetry/songs that I never transferred here, so I may be doing that soon, to give you a taste of my progress through the past few years. Figure that could be fun.
Oh, another thing I wanted to tell you is that I've been recently practicing my vocals a lot, and even recorded some (not-so-great) covers during my practice a couple days ago. Only problem is, I can't find my firewire cable to transfer the videos onto my computer. But rest assured, when I do find it, I'll throw em up on youtube or something and if nothing else post a link to them here, so you can get a feel for what I do (even though right now I'm not doing so great haha).
Interesting side-note/story: I have a college-age bible study group Wednesday nights that I attend at my friend's church. So tonight, we were reading the story from Luke 19 about the master who entrusted his servants with his money, and expected them to turn it for profit. I won't detail the whole story for the sake of my slaughtering of the Bible, but what really kind of struck me is our leader-dude Troy decided to do a little exercise where we went around the room and mentioned something we loved to do and had some talent for. I said singing, naturally. Troy then said at the end that we should use what God has given us as passions and talents to turn a profit for His kingdom. It was just a nice reminder from God to me about this band thing I wanna do. I've been getting discouraged because my screaming is still not great, but I think He just wanted to reassure me tonight with that, and I'm thankful for it. So yeah.
I also added a widget to the right (--> that way -->) where you can talk to me anonymously. It's pretty neat. So feel free to use that if you want to say something and not be known, or even if you want to ask me about something. As I've said before, I'm totally down to talk about nearly anything. I may even write a blog explaining my take on certain things if you'd like.
And I know I say this a lot, but I really do love you few who actually read my crap. I write for many reasons, but one I love is to try and be a blessing to you somehow. I'd like to think that my writing could give you peace on certain things, move you somehow, or help you hear God's call for your life. So thank you, whoever you are, for allowing me to be a part of your life, no matter how small.
If you'd like for me to write about something, maybe something you're going through or are having trouble figuring out, or maybe would like to know how I dealt with certain issues, be sure to let me know. My hope is to be a servant with this blog first, and a showcase of my writing and thoughts and self second.
On that note, I think I'll try and get some sleep before a hike with some friends tomorrow (woo). I hope God has been using me to help you somehow! And if He hasn't, take some initiative and talk to me!!
lovelovelovelovelove,
~@
January 05, 2010
You Shall Not Pass (Song)
Yep, another one. This one really draws from my past experiences, and was kind of written in the midst of a friend's not-so-fun situation. It should be pretty straight-forward (as quite a bit of my writing is lately), but if you still want better understanding, hit me up and I'll help you out! Enjoy!
So...yeah. Go read my last blog too. It's rather new, and it contains a resolutions list as well as some confessions (those things I've been telling you about for like two months now)!
love you guys,
~@
This weight of unrequite
Is enough to choke
All the air from these lungs
And make me black and blue
If only the rhythm
That the heart plays loud
Could beat to a different tune
Then I'd stop it all together
I'm sick of its sweet song
Teasing, taunting, flaunting, fleeting
Go ahead and call me wrong
But you can't deny the bleeding
Patience, patience, patience
It's all I ever hear or say
Patience, patience, patience
I seem to have run dry
Oh
I'm just so sick of its sweet song
Teasing, taunting, flaunting, fleeting
Go ahead and call me wrong
But you can't deny the bleeding
Father, what have I done wrong?
Where is my bride? Where has she been?
This is what it felt like?
To be abandoned by your beloved...
ALL ALONE
ALL ALONE
AT THE ALTAR
ALL ALONE
I long for your sweet song, Oh God
Healing, humbling, calming, completing
I'm sorry, I've been so very wrong
Please, please deny me this bleeding!
Pick me up
Dust me off
It's time to reclaim
Your bride
So...yeah. Go read my last blog too. It's rather new, and it contains a resolutions list as well as some confessions (those things I've been telling you about for like two months now)!
love you guys,
~@
January 03, 2010
Don't Hold Your Breath
Okay, so I know this is a bit later than I'd said before, but it's still the weekend! This here blog is going to be a bit different than the rest. I will, for those interested, write down some "resolutions" or changes I would like to make in the coming year(s). But I will also include a list of confessions that I feel would benefit not only me for getting them off my chest, but others who may be struggling with the same things.
A quick couple news items before we begin this list-fest:
1) I wrote another song that I will, at this time, not be posted on this blog. It is, however, in my notes on facebook. The reason for this is that I wrote the song in good humor about the situation Ronnie Radke (ex-vocalist of Escape the Fate) is in. I may or may not ever move it here, but if you know me IRL, you can view it on facebook. And should I decide to record that song with a band, I will be altering it to be more meaningful and teach a message rather than just basically laugh at the whole thing.
2) I will hopefully be writing more songs/blogs soon. I have a very strong notion to write a song similar to Impending Doom's "Silence The Oppressors" about the issues the Church has regarding the metal/hardcore scene. It's been burning my heart recently, so I'd like to get that out there.
3) I will be going back to school starting January 19th, and even though my schedule is a bit less demanding this semester (level 100 classes FTW), I may be falling out of writing again like I did last October.
Okay, onto the lists o' awesome.
The Changes I'd Like To Make:
-I want to write in my prayer journal every day. It's a step forward on the reading the Bible everyday thing that I started last year (and am still keeping up, thank God).
-I want to be more active in a church. This past year I kind of fell out of regularly attending my church (Vineyard North Phoenix). I don't want to do that anymore. So I want to start attending regularly again. Another offshoot of this is my friend's church is starting a college-age service and as far as I know, I'm still invited to be a part of the service, hopefully singing. I would love to do that.
-I want to be a better Young Life leader. I'm a really crappy one right now. I don't really do contact work, or hang with kids outside of club and campaigners.
-I want to be on good standing with all my friends. More of this in the confessions later.
-I want to be a blessing to a girl in the form of a romantic relationship. This is just a fancy way of saying, I don't want to be single anymore.
-I want to do things in God's will and strength, and not my own. Pretty self-explanatory, but a lot harder to do than say.
-I want to be more active in general. As much as I love loafing around my bedroom all day, I need to get out and play some frisbee, or even just go loaf around a coffee shop with friends. Something that doesn't involve my super-comfy computer chair.
-I want to write more, and write to please God. Sometimes I think I write stuff whether or not God is involved in my thinking. I hope He'll be in ALL my thinking and writing henceforth.
-I'd love to break my addiction. More to come in the confessions list.
-I want to start making good habits. I don't currently brush my teeth very often, because I didn't see it as such a big deal. But it needs to be done. I'm tired of carrying around Binaca everywhere I go for fear of scaring off pretty girls because of my breath-funk.
-I want to start making vocal practice a daily thing, not just on occasion. This involves finding time to practice, finding energy and willpower, and also testing my family with my loudness every single day. I haven't started this one yet though.
-I want to not get angry about certain things. I'm not generally an angry person to begin with, but some things get me super-heated. And I don't like it.
-I want to be a better friend. Sometimes I think I fail at friendship, and that it might turn my friends away from me. Luckily, God's graced me with some persistent people for friends.
I'd say that about sums up my first list. I would put something to the degree of getting a job on there, but I honestly don't know if that's the smartest move right now. Sure, I could use the extra money and the experience, but the time factor is the issue. I'm not sure if I'd be able to function properly with a job, school, Young Life, my family, and a band to work on. Just doesn't seem right.
Anyway, onto the fun list. Be forewarned that what is written below is some screwed up stuff, and I don't blame you for walking away disgusted, pissed off, or scared. I'm just telling it like it is, because I feel it's necessary.
The List O' Confessions
-The biggest one is my addiction. I'm addicted to pornography. I've been hooked since I was probably around 13. I have broken the addiction once back in 2007, but shortly dragged myself back into the hole. It's been better more recently than before, with only the occasional slip up. But it's something I feel deep disgust and chagrin for, and I am ashamed to admit it, even though I know I'm not alone.
-This addiction has spread to other areas of my life. I've used my imagination before to create some dastardly deeds. Not always sexual, mind you. I mean, some of them are, and I feel like a sick person, but I won't deny it.
-I've also imagined hurting people. Not just adults, but pretty much anyone who annoys me. I've thought about pushing my 4 year old niece down the stairs before. I never DID that, thank God, but I've thought it.
-Another somewhat big one (to me) is that I will avoid my friends if I don't feel like talking to them. I dodge calls like Neo dodged bullets in The Matrix all the time, and every time I do, I feel like a douche. If I don't agree with something that a friend does or did, I'll also sometimes avoid them. I'll make up a lie and say I'm busy with other people/things, or simply never return their messages or calls.
-I think I fall in love with any female who wants to be my friend. Maybe I'm wrong, but I find myself suppressing feelings for a lot of friends for the sake of the friendship. Granted, it's not ALL my female friends, but a lot of them. So maybe this is just a fluke, but nonetheless, watch out, ladies.
-I'm afraid to tell girls I like them because of my past and what it tends to do to a friendship. If the feelings ain't mutual, the friendship either ceases to exist, or it becomes severely strained. If you'd like to know my past endeavours, look back in the blog, I think it's somewhere in there (probably under my July 09 posting, which is my testimony).
-I've been single all my life, and I hate it. I hate that I'm constantly surrounded by romantic ideology and yet I can never partake. I know it's not everything, and I certainly know that romantic love isn't the only, or best, kind of love to have. But it's like being a kid who's too small for a really fun roller coaster. I want to have my turn, ya know? And it's not sex that I'm interested in; granted, that will (hopefully) come into play in marriage, but what I really want is a chance to be a major part of someone else's life. And my family doesn't count, as it's a gimme in that area.
-I'm a bit prideful when it comes to music. I am also very selective. What I mean about prideful is that I have what I believe to be a great voice, and I've screwed up and flaunted that before, which isn't right. I'm selective in that I can appreciate most all music, but there are certain kinds that I will not listen to, and others which I debase because I fail to see the motivation behind it.
-Somewhat tied into the last bit, I'm a jerk. I big fat fatty jerkhead. I try to be nice and generally amiable towards people, but I'm still foul at the core, and I let it slip intentionally from time to time. Case in point, I argued for three days about why bluegrass is crap music with a friend (at least, we WERE friends, though I think she may disagree now). I wouldn't let sleeping dogs lie, and kept getting in her face (via facebook, lol) about it. Now she's all huffy and I'm wondering why I did that.
-I cuss. Now, that's not such a big deal to many of you, but it is to me. I don't feel...I dunno, clean when I cuss. It's like doing something I know I shouldn't, and it bothers me. I don't cuss often, and try generally to avoid it, but I do let it slip. (Let it be known that I don't think it's necessarily wrong for others to cuss, it's a personal belief issue. I won't say cussing is a sin, because I'm not sure it is, but it's a personal sin to me).
-I have "checked out" a girl before. I am a guy, who's God-given drive is enhanced visually. Most times I'll catch myself and kind of scold my mind, but a lot of the time it just subconsciously happens. I don't mean to turn you into pieces of meat, girls. I really don't. I don't want to view you as sex-objects, because you're not. But also, give me a break when you decide it's fitting to wear a dark lace bra with a white v-neck "covering" it. (this is not aimed at any real situation that occurred, it's just an example I made up)
-I'm really bad at remembering names. Simple as that.
-A lot of what I do is partially done for the sake of approval of others. I should only seek God's approval and no one else's, but it's hard in a world like this.
-I have used gifts as a way of buying someone over. The key here is I HAVE done this, not that I DO do this all the time. So if I'm trying to spend money on you, and especially if you're a girl, don't automatically assume I'm trying to buy your affection. I also just like to love on my friends by giving them gifts.
-I am insecure about a lot of things. My weight was the major topic back in grade school, but I'm (for the most part) over it. It does still sting a little when someone comments on my weight, but I don't really mind it too much. There are other things, though. Anything I consider myself to be skilled in I am also insecure about (writing, singing, design, etc).
-Oddly enough, I have decently high standards for what girls I like and pursue for more than friendship. It's just funny to me because a guy of my build, at least in terms of worldly thinking, should just go for whatever is available. But there are certain criteria I look for, and many of them are unwavering.
-I break the law in many ways, and I'm okay with it. The most blatant way is downloading media. I also speed when I drive and run red lights from time to time. Nothing inherently dangerous really, because I think my decisions through. I only run reds, for example, when I don't want to crunch my brakes and the intersection's clear.
-I don't formally tithe to my church. The reason for this is because I feel that a tithe can be given to God by any method that serves His purposes. In my case, my tithe goes toward Young Life, whether it be gas money to get places, buying food or drinks for my YL friends, or donating towards their camp funds, I feel it's a perfectly acceptable method of tithing.
-I have been in internal conflict with a couple elders of the faith over some beliefs for a while. The reason I have not resolved these conflicts is because the elders are steadfast in their beliefs and are unwilling to accept mine as truth, even to me. They think that just because it disagrees with what they believe, it's biblically unsound, when really it's just my own interpretation of the scripture. It's nothing blatantly against what the Bible teaches.
-I agree with the thinking that religion must be stopped, and relationships must become the focus. To be clear, religion is the man-made methods for reaching God. Therefore, the religion of Christianity is a man-made idea, and is failing. I have a relationship with the Living God through His Son Jesus, and that alone is all I need.
-I have WAY too many shirts. WAY. TOO. MANY.
-I have had thoughts of suicide before. I've also been clinically depressed before as well. My mom thinks I still am depressed, but I'm fairly certain I'm just oppressed by Satan from time to time, as we all are. It leads to thinking wrong thoughts of self-depreciation and lack of worth or value. But I know I'm good enough to die for, or at least Jesus thinks so.
-I have quite a few friends these days, but I'm afraid I have too many. I've got what I call my friend-reserve of energy and caring, that only gets me so far. After that's depleted, I pretty much shut out people. It doesn't help that I'm an introvert and "recharge" by being alone and away from others. It's probably why I'm such a loner to begin with.
-With so many friends, it's hard to say I have any best friends. I may be a best friend to a few of them, but I don't really count anyone higher than the rest. I do, however, have a handful of friends that I tend to hang out with and talk to more. So I guess I do have a best friend-group.
-I have been a bit of a creeper and stalker in the past. Suffice it to say that I like to get to know people, whether or not they want me to, or know that I'm getting to know them. I don't mean any harm by it, but I do agree it's creepy and probably wrong.
I think that should hold you off for a while. I can't completely unload my sick, crazy self onto you all at once. I'm pretty sure you'd die.
As I always say, I'm available to explain further, or discuss anything you'd like. If you ask it, I'm more than likely going to respond to it.
I'm also available to talk with anyone who may be struggling with similar things and want some release or anything. I mean, it IS what I'm going to school for (even though I don't plan on using it in the end).
lovelovelovelovelove.
~@othern
A quick couple news items before we begin this list-fest:
1) I wrote another song that I will, at this time, not be posted on this blog. It is, however, in my notes on facebook. The reason for this is that I wrote the song in good humor about the situation Ronnie Radke (ex-vocalist of Escape the Fate) is in. I may or may not ever move it here, but if you know me IRL, you can view it on facebook. And should I decide to record that song with a band, I will be altering it to be more meaningful and teach a message rather than just basically laugh at the whole thing.
2) I will hopefully be writing more songs/blogs soon. I have a very strong notion to write a song similar to Impending Doom's "Silence The Oppressors" about the issues the Church has regarding the metal/hardcore scene. It's been burning my heart recently, so I'd like to get that out there.
3) I will be going back to school starting January 19th, and even though my schedule is a bit less demanding this semester (level 100 classes FTW), I may be falling out of writing again like I did last October.
Okay, onto the lists o' awesome.
The Changes I'd Like To Make:
-I want to write in my prayer journal every day. It's a step forward on the reading the Bible everyday thing that I started last year (and am still keeping up, thank God).
-I want to be more active in a church. This past year I kind of fell out of regularly attending my church (Vineyard North Phoenix). I don't want to do that anymore. So I want to start attending regularly again. Another offshoot of this is my friend's church is starting a college-age service and as far as I know, I'm still invited to be a part of the service, hopefully singing. I would love to do that.
-I want to be a better Young Life leader. I'm a really crappy one right now. I don't really do contact work, or hang with kids outside of club and campaigners.
-I want to be on good standing with all my friends. More of this in the confessions later.
-I want to be a blessing to a girl in the form of a romantic relationship. This is just a fancy way of saying, I don't want to be single anymore.
-I want to do things in God's will and strength, and not my own. Pretty self-explanatory, but a lot harder to do than say.
-I want to be more active in general. As much as I love loafing around my bedroom all day, I need to get out and play some frisbee, or even just go loaf around a coffee shop with friends. Something that doesn't involve my super-comfy computer chair.
-I want to write more, and write to please God. Sometimes I think I write stuff whether or not God is involved in my thinking. I hope He'll be in ALL my thinking and writing henceforth.
-I'd love to break my addiction. More to come in the confessions list.
-I want to start making good habits. I don't currently brush my teeth very often, because I didn't see it as such a big deal. But it needs to be done. I'm tired of carrying around Binaca everywhere I go for fear of scaring off pretty girls because of my breath-funk.
-I want to start making vocal practice a daily thing, not just on occasion. This involves finding time to practice, finding energy and willpower, and also testing my family with my loudness every single day. I haven't started this one yet though.
-I want to not get angry about certain things. I'm not generally an angry person to begin with, but some things get me super-heated. And I don't like it.
-I want to be a better friend. Sometimes I think I fail at friendship, and that it might turn my friends away from me. Luckily, God's graced me with some persistent people for friends.
I'd say that about sums up my first list. I would put something to the degree of getting a job on there, but I honestly don't know if that's the smartest move right now. Sure, I could use the extra money and the experience, but the time factor is the issue. I'm not sure if I'd be able to function properly with a job, school, Young Life, my family, and a band to work on. Just doesn't seem right.
Anyway, onto the fun list. Be forewarned that what is written below is some screwed up stuff, and I don't blame you for walking away disgusted, pissed off, or scared. I'm just telling it like it is, because I feel it's necessary.
The List O' Confessions
-The biggest one is my addiction. I'm addicted to pornography. I've been hooked since I was probably around 13. I have broken the addiction once back in 2007, but shortly dragged myself back into the hole. It's been better more recently than before, with only the occasional slip up. But it's something I feel deep disgust and chagrin for, and I am ashamed to admit it, even though I know I'm not alone.
-This addiction has spread to other areas of my life. I've used my imagination before to create some dastardly deeds. Not always sexual, mind you. I mean, some of them are, and I feel like a sick person, but I won't deny it.
-I've also imagined hurting people. Not just adults, but pretty much anyone who annoys me. I've thought about pushing my 4 year old niece down the stairs before. I never DID that, thank God, but I've thought it.
-Another somewhat big one (to me) is that I will avoid my friends if I don't feel like talking to them. I dodge calls like Neo dodged bullets in The Matrix all the time, and every time I do, I feel like a douche. If I don't agree with something that a friend does or did, I'll also sometimes avoid them. I'll make up a lie and say I'm busy with other people/things, or simply never return their messages or calls.
-I think I fall in love with any female who wants to be my friend. Maybe I'm wrong, but I find myself suppressing feelings for a lot of friends for the sake of the friendship. Granted, it's not ALL my female friends, but a lot of them. So maybe this is just a fluke, but nonetheless, watch out, ladies.
-I'm afraid to tell girls I like them because of my past and what it tends to do to a friendship. If the feelings ain't mutual, the friendship either ceases to exist, or it becomes severely strained. If you'd like to know my past endeavours, look back in the blog, I think it's somewhere in there (probably under my July 09 posting, which is my testimony).
-I've been single all my life, and I hate it. I hate that I'm constantly surrounded by romantic ideology and yet I can never partake. I know it's not everything, and I certainly know that romantic love isn't the only, or best, kind of love to have. But it's like being a kid who's too small for a really fun roller coaster. I want to have my turn, ya know? And it's not sex that I'm interested in; granted, that will (hopefully) come into play in marriage, but what I really want is a chance to be a major part of someone else's life. And my family doesn't count, as it's a gimme in that area.
-I'm a bit prideful when it comes to music. I am also very selective. What I mean about prideful is that I have what I believe to be a great voice, and I've screwed up and flaunted that before, which isn't right. I'm selective in that I can appreciate most all music, but there are certain kinds that I will not listen to, and others which I debase because I fail to see the motivation behind it.
-Somewhat tied into the last bit, I'm a jerk. I big fat fatty jerkhead. I try to be nice and generally amiable towards people, but I'm still foul at the core, and I let it slip intentionally from time to time. Case in point, I argued for three days about why bluegrass is crap music with a friend (at least, we WERE friends, though I think she may disagree now). I wouldn't let sleeping dogs lie, and kept getting in her face (via facebook, lol) about it. Now she's all huffy and I'm wondering why I did that.
-I cuss. Now, that's not such a big deal to many of you, but it is to me. I don't feel...I dunno, clean when I cuss. It's like doing something I know I shouldn't, and it bothers me. I don't cuss often, and try generally to avoid it, but I do let it slip. (Let it be known that I don't think it's necessarily wrong for others to cuss, it's a personal belief issue. I won't say cussing is a sin, because I'm not sure it is, but it's a personal sin to me).
-I have "checked out" a girl before. I am a guy, who's God-given drive is enhanced visually. Most times I'll catch myself and kind of scold my mind, but a lot of the time it just subconsciously happens. I don't mean to turn you into pieces of meat, girls. I really don't. I don't want to view you as sex-objects, because you're not. But also, give me a break when you decide it's fitting to wear a dark lace bra with a white v-neck "covering" it. (this is not aimed at any real situation that occurred, it's just an example I made up)
-I'm really bad at remembering names. Simple as that.
-A lot of what I do is partially done for the sake of approval of others. I should only seek God's approval and no one else's, but it's hard in a world like this.
-I have used gifts as a way of buying someone over. The key here is I HAVE done this, not that I DO do this all the time. So if I'm trying to spend money on you, and especially if you're a girl, don't automatically assume I'm trying to buy your affection. I also just like to love on my friends by giving them gifts.
-I am insecure about a lot of things. My weight was the major topic back in grade school, but I'm (for the most part) over it. It does still sting a little when someone comments on my weight, but I don't really mind it too much. There are other things, though. Anything I consider myself to be skilled in I am also insecure about (writing, singing, design, etc).
-Oddly enough, I have decently high standards for what girls I like and pursue for more than friendship. It's just funny to me because a guy of my build, at least in terms of worldly thinking, should just go for whatever is available. But there are certain criteria I look for, and many of them are unwavering.
-I break the law in many ways, and I'm okay with it. The most blatant way is downloading media. I also speed when I drive and run red lights from time to time. Nothing inherently dangerous really, because I think my decisions through. I only run reds, for example, when I don't want to crunch my brakes and the intersection's clear.
-I don't formally tithe to my church. The reason for this is because I feel that a tithe can be given to God by any method that serves His purposes. In my case, my tithe goes toward Young Life, whether it be gas money to get places, buying food or drinks for my YL friends, or donating towards their camp funds, I feel it's a perfectly acceptable method of tithing.
-I have been in internal conflict with a couple elders of the faith over some beliefs for a while. The reason I have not resolved these conflicts is because the elders are steadfast in their beliefs and are unwilling to accept mine as truth, even to me. They think that just because it disagrees with what they believe, it's biblically unsound, when really it's just my own interpretation of the scripture. It's nothing blatantly against what the Bible teaches.
-I agree with the thinking that religion must be stopped, and relationships must become the focus. To be clear, religion is the man-made methods for reaching God. Therefore, the religion of Christianity is a man-made idea, and is failing. I have a relationship with the Living God through His Son Jesus, and that alone is all I need.
-I have WAY too many shirts. WAY. TOO. MANY.
-I have had thoughts of suicide before. I've also been clinically depressed before as well. My mom thinks I still am depressed, but I'm fairly certain I'm just oppressed by Satan from time to time, as we all are. It leads to thinking wrong thoughts of self-depreciation and lack of worth or value. But I know I'm good enough to die for, or at least Jesus thinks so.
-I have quite a few friends these days, but I'm afraid I have too many. I've got what I call my friend-reserve of energy and caring, that only gets me so far. After that's depleted, I pretty much shut out people. It doesn't help that I'm an introvert and "recharge" by being alone and away from others. It's probably why I'm such a loner to begin with.
-With so many friends, it's hard to say I have any best friends. I may be a best friend to a few of them, but I don't really count anyone higher than the rest. I do, however, have a handful of friends that I tend to hang out with and talk to more. So I guess I do have a best friend-group.
-I have been a bit of a creeper and stalker in the past. Suffice it to say that I like to get to know people, whether or not they want me to, or know that I'm getting to know them. I don't mean any harm by it, but I do agree it's creepy and probably wrong.
I think that should hold you off for a while. I can't completely unload my sick, crazy self onto you all at once. I'm pretty sure you'd die.
As I always say, I'm available to explain further, or discuss anything you'd like. If you ask it, I'm more than likely going to respond to it.
I'm also available to talk with anyone who may be struggling with similar things and want some release or anything. I mean, it IS what I'm going to school for (even though I don't plan on using it in the end).
lovelovelovelovelove.
~@othern
January 01, 2010
They Shall Fall (Song)
OH TEN! Woooo!! New year, new look! I also hope to be designing the post backgrounds (currently the transparent black) but for now, this'll do!
Here's the first song of the new year, and not half bad. It's kinda different than what I'm used to; this song is more like For Today's latest album (Portraits), and is based off some biblical ideas. See if you can catch them!
Cool, eh? Yep.
Anyhoo, I'll be writing another blog this weekend regarding confessions and resolutions for the purpose of building up hope with my brothers and sisters who may or may not struggle with the same things.
Hit me up with ideas, questions, comments, or whatevs!
May God bless your new year,
~@
Here's the first song of the new year, and not half bad. It's kinda different than what I'm used to; this song is more like For Today's latest album (Portraits), and is based off some biblical ideas. See if you can catch them!
We just can't do this
The opposition towers
Above us like mountains
We gotta get out
"Come and fight me!
You'll fail quickly
Try to spite me!
I'll leave you dying"
Bring out the giants!
I'll face them myself
With the kiss of a stone
To the head of the foe
They shall fall
Their numbers are dwindling
Yet still, our blood stops cold
The fear has overtaken us
We need our hero!
Bring out the horsemen!
I'll kill them myself
With the kiss of a blade
I send them back to the grave
They shall fall
They shall fall!
For my God is mighty
His hand is fierce
His voice, it shatters
His love will pierce...
Our hearts beat in sync together
It's our chance to do or die
We fight now for forever
We fight now for forever!
Cool, eh? Yep.
Anyhoo, I'll be writing another blog this weekend regarding confessions and resolutions for the purpose of building up hope with my brothers and sisters who may or may not struggle with the same things.
Hit me up with ideas, questions, comments, or whatevs!
May God bless your new year,
~@
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