Okay, so I know this is a bit later than I'd said before, but it's still the weekend! This here blog is going to be a bit different than the rest. I will, for those interested, write down some "resolutions" or changes I would like to make in the coming year(s). But I will also include a list of confessions that I feel would benefit not only me for getting them off my chest, but others who may be struggling with the same things.
A quick couple news items before we begin this list-fest:
1) I wrote another song that I will, at this time, not be posted on this blog. It is, however, in my notes on facebook. The reason for this is that I wrote the song in good humor about the situation Ronnie Radke (ex-vocalist of Escape the Fate) is in. I may or may not ever move it here, but if you know me IRL, you can view it on facebook. And should I decide to record that song with a band, I will be altering it to be more meaningful and teach a message rather than just basically laugh at the whole thing.
2) I will hopefully be writing more songs/blogs soon. I have a very strong notion to write a song similar to Impending Doom's "Silence The Oppressors" about the issues the Church has regarding the metal/hardcore scene. It's been burning my heart recently, so I'd like to get that out there.
3) I will be going back to school starting January 19th, and even though my schedule is a bit less demanding this semester (level 100 classes FTW), I may be falling out of writing again like I did last October.
Okay, onto the lists o' awesome.
The Changes I'd Like To Make:
-I want to write in my prayer journal every day. It's a step forward on the reading the Bible everyday thing that I started last year (and am still keeping up, thank God).
-I want to be more active in a church. This past year I kind of fell out of regularly attending my church (
Vineyard North Phoenix). I don't want to do that anymore. So I want to start attending regularly again. Another offshoot of this is my friend's church is starting a college-age service and as far as I know, I'm still invited to be a part of the service, hopefully singing. I would love to do that.
-I want to be a better Young Life leader. I'm a really crappy one right now. I don't really do contact work, or hang with kids outside of club and campaigners.
-I want to be on good standing with all my friends. More of this in the confessions later.
-I want to be a blessing to a girl in the form of a romantic relationship. This is just a fancy way of saying, I don't want to be single anymore.
-I want to do things in God's will and strength, and not my own. Pretty self-explanatory, but a lot harder to do than say.
-I want to be more active in general. As much as I love loafing around my bedroom all day, I need to get out and play some frisbee, or even just go loaf around a coffee shop with friends. Something that doesn't involve my super-comfy computer chair.
-I want to write more, and write to please God. Sometimes I think I write stuff whether or not God is involved in my thinking. I hope He'll be in ALL my thinking and writing henceforth.
-I'd love to break my addiction. More to come in the confessions list.
-I want to start making good habits. I don't currently brush my teeth very often, because I didn't see it as such a big deal. But it needs to be done. I'm tired of carrying around Binaca everywhere I go for fear of scaring off pretty girls because of my breath-funk.
-I want to start making vocal practice a daily thing, not just on occasion. This involves finding time to practice, finding energy and willpower, and also testing my family with my loudness every single day. I haven't started this one yet though.
-I want to not get angry about certain things. I'm not generally an angry person to begin with, but some things get me super-heated. And I don't like it.
-I want to be a better friend. Sometimes I think I fail at friendship, and that it might turn my friends away from me. Luckily, God's graced me with some persistent people for friends.
I'd say that about sums up my first list. I would put something to the degree of getting a job on there, but I honestly don't know if that's the smartest move right now. Sure, I could use the extra money and the experience, but the time factor is the issue. I'm not sure if I'd be able to function properly with a job, school, Young Life, my family, and a band to work on. Just doesn't seem right.
Anyway, onto the fun list. Be forewarned that what is written below is some screwed up stuff, and I don't blame you for walking away disgusted, pissed off, or scared. I'm just telling it like it is, because I feel it's necessary.
The List O' Confessions
-The biggest one is my addiction. I'm addicted to pornography. I've been hooked since I was probably around 13. I have broken the addiction once back in 2007, but shortly dragged myself back into the hole. It's been better more recently than before, with only the occasional slip up. But it's something I feel deep disgust and chagrin for, and I am ashamed to admit it, even though I know I'm not alone.
-This addiction has spread to other areas of my life. I've used my imagination before to create some dastardly deeds. Not always sexual, mind you. I mean, some of them are, and I feel like a sick person, but I won't deny it.
-I've also imagined hurting people. Not just adults, but pretty much anyone who annoys me. I've thought about pushing my 4 year old niece down the stairs before. I never DID that, thank God, but I've thought it.
-Another somewhat big one (to me) is that I will avoid my friends if I don't feel like talking to them. I dodge calls like Neo dodged bullets in The Matrix all the time, and every time I do, I feel like a douche. If I don't agree with something that a friend does or did, I'll also sometimes avoid them. I'll make up a lie and say I'm busy with other people/things, or simply never return their messages or calls.
-I think I fall in love with any female who wants to be my friend. Maybe I'm wrong, but I find myself suppressing feelings for a lot of friends for the sake of the friendship. Granted, it's not ALL my female friends, but a lot of them. So maybe this is just a fluke, but nonetheless, watch out, ladies.
-I'm afraid to tell girls I like them because of my past and what it tends to do to a friendship. If the feelings ain't mutual, the friendship either ceases to exist, or it becomes severely strained. If you'd like to know my past endeavours, look back in the blog, I think it's somewhere in there (probably under my July 09 posting, which is my testimony).
-I've been single all my life, and I hate it. I hate that I'm constantly surrounded by romantic ideology and yet I can never partake. I know it's not everything, and I certainly know that romantic love isn't the only, or best, kind of love to have. But it's like being a kid who's too small for a really fun roller coaster. I want to have my turn, ya know? And it's not sex that I'm interested in; granted, that will (hopefully) come into play in marriage, but what I really want is a chance to be a major part of someone else's life. And my family doesn't count, as it's a gimme in that area.
-I'm a bit prideful when it comes to music. I am also very selective. What I mean about prideful is that I have what I believe to be a great voice, and I've screwed up and flaunted that before, which isn't right. I'm selective in that I can appreciate most all music, but there are certain kinds that I will not listen to, and others which I debase because I fail to see the motivation behind it.
-Somewhat tied into the last bit, I'm a jerk. I big fat fatty jerkhead. I try to be nice and generally amiable towards people, but I'm still foul at the core, and I let it slip intentionally from time to time. Case in point, I argued for three days about why bluegrass is crap music with a friend (at least, we WERE friends, though I think she may disagree now). I wouldn't let sleeping dogs lie, and kept getting in her face (via facebook, lol) about it. Now she's all huffy and I'm wondering why I did that.
-I cuss. Now, that's not such a big deal to many of you, but it is to me. I don't feel...I dunno, clean when I cuss. It's like doing something I know I shouldn't, and it bothers me. I don't cuss often, and try generally to avoid it, but I do let it slip. (Let it be known that I don't think it's necessarily wrong for others to cuss, it's a personal belief issue. I won't say cussing is a sin, because I'm not sure it is, but it's a personal sin to me).
-I have "checked out" a girl before. I am a guy, who's God-given drive is enhanced visually. Most times I'll catch myself and kind of scold my mind, but a lot of the time it just subconsciously happens. I don't mean to turn you into pieces of meat, girls. I really don't. I don't want to view you as sex-objects, because you're not. But also, give me a break when you decide it's fitting to wear a dark lace bra with a white v-neck "covering" it. (this is not aimed at any real situation that occurred, it's just an example I made up)
-I'm really bad at remembering names. Simple as that.
-A lot of what I do is partially done for the sake of approval of others. I should only seek God's approval and no one else's, but it's hard in a world like this.
-I have used gifts as a way of buying someone over. The key here is I HAVE done this, not that I DO do this all the time. So if I'm trying to spend money on you, and especially if you're a girl, don't automatically assume I'm trying to buy your affection. I also just like to love on my friends by giving them gifts.
-I am insecure about a lot of things. My weight was the major topic back in grade school, but I'm (for the most part) over it. It does still sting a little when someone comments on my weight, but I don't really mind it too much. There are other things, though. Anything I consider myself to be skilled in I am also insecure about (writing, singing, design, etc).
-Oddly enough, I have decently high standards for what girls I like and pursue for more than friendship. It's just funny to me because a guy of my build, at least in terms of worldly thinking, should just go for whatever is available. But there are certain criteria I look for, and many of them are unwavering.
-I break the law in many ways, and I'm okay with it. The most blatant way is downloading media. I also speed when I drive and run red lights from time to time. Nothing inherently dangerous really, because I think my decisions through. I only run reds, for example, when I don't want to crunch my brakes and the intersection's clear.
-I don't formally tithe to my church. The reason for this is because I feel that a tithe can be given to God by any method that serves His purposes. In my case, my tithe goes toward Young Life, whether it be gas money to get places, buying food or drinks for my YL friends, or donating towards their camp funds, I feel it's a perfectly acceptable method of tithing.
-I have been in internal conflict with a couple elders of the faith over some beliefs for a while. The reason I have not resolved these conflicts is because the elders are steadfast in their beliefs and are unwilling to accept mine as truth, even to me. They think that just because it disagrees with what they believe, it's biblically unsound, when really it's just my own interpretation of the scripture. It's nothing blatantly against what the Bible teaches.
-I agree with the thinking that religion must be stopped, and relationships must become the focus. To be clear, religion is the man-made methods for reaching God. Therefore, the religion of Christianity is a man-made idea, and is failing. I have a relationship with the Living God through His Son Jesus, and that alone is all I need.
-I have WAY too many shirts. WAY. TOO. MANY.
-I have had thoughts of suicide before. I've also been clinically depressed before as well. My mom thinks I still am depressed, but I'm fairly certain I'm just oppressed by Satan from time to time, as we all are. It leads to thinking wrong thoughts of self-depreciation and lack of worth or value. But I know I'm good enough to die for, or at least Jesus thinks so.
-I have quite a few friends these days, but I'm afraid I have too many. I've got what I call my friend-reserve of energy and caring, that only gets me so far. After that's depleted, I pretty much shut out people. It doesn't help that I'm an introvert and "recharge" by being alone and away from others. It's probably why I'm such a loner to begin with.
-With so many friends, it's hard to say I have any best friends. I may be a best friend to a few of them, but I don't really count anyone higher than the rest. I do, however, have a handful of friends that I tend to hang out with and talk to more. So I guess I do have a best friend-group.
-I have been a bit of a creeper and stalker in the past. Suffice it to say that I like to get to know people, whether or not they want me to, or know that I'm getting to know them. I don't mean any harm by it, but I do agree it's creepy and probably wrong.
I think that should hold you off for a while. I can't completely unload my sick, crazy self onto you all at once. I'm pretty sure you'd die.
As I always say, I'm available to explain further, or discuss anything you'd like. If you ask it, I'm more than likely going to respond to it.
I'm also available to talk with anyone who may be struggling with similar things and want some release or anything. I mean, it IS what I'm going to school for (even though I don't plan on using it in the end).
lovelovelovelovelove.
~@othern
