Who's Countin'?

Okay, so I felt my blog was lonely with only one December post, and I kinda wanted to write anyway. It's just like me to get the urge to write when I should be sleeping, but it doesn't really matter. I have nowhere to be until next year really, so right now I'm just epitomizing the word lethargic.

To be frank, I don't like how my break is going. As much as I disdain schoolwork, and ASU as a whole to begin with, it at least gave me a reason to leave the house. Now, I have to forcefully will myself to go do stuff, and with a limited budget, and living in Phoenix, AZ where anything fun to do costs money or a marriage (ha), my options are a bit limited.

That being said, I had a good day today. I left the house. Twice. BOOYAH, GRANNY, BOOYAH! Yep yep. It was sweeeeet.

First, I went and picked up a new friend of mine; her name is Elora. She's a pimp, no lie. Anyway, we went and saw Avatar this morning, and afterwards I took her to work, which may not seem like a lot of fun to some of you, but I'm a big proponent of singing in the car, so the drive back alone was worth it, though the drive out was cool too. Apparently, Dethklok is epic enough for me to like.

So yeah, that was the first time. The second was when my new friend had accidentally left some of her belongings in my car. So I got to go drop them off (no biggie, more singing!), and then I went and hung out with another friend of mine who I'm trying to start a band with.

That's my day, folks. And this was an adventurous one. Imagine my life. Go ahead, do it. It's pretty sweet, right? Yep, God is good =)

Anyhoo, I guess I should actually update you on some things besides my day. My singing is going well, and I found a vocal warm-up which I'll be testing out this week methinks. My screaming is a bit funky and spotty, so I'm going to try on a couple different types and see if they prove more fruitful.

The whole band thing I mentioned is kind of an interesting topic I suppose. A bit of a backstory: this past summer, I began praying a lot about discerning God's will regarding my future, and specifically my area of ministry. Sure enough, the Big Guy came through and started pointing out a LOT of scripture in Psalms and other areas of the Bible talking about singing, and music, and instrumentation. And then later on, I went to New York for YL Summer Staff (totally a great experience, by the way) and met this dude named Barrett, who's basically my skinny twin. He loves God, and he loves music, and he even has snakebites like me =)

Moving forward a bit, I pieced this all together and deciphered that I had a definite gift for singing, and a desire to learn to scream. I also have a huge heart for the hardcore scene, as it's so passion-filled, and also, unfortunately, severely oppressed by the Church. I could name about six or seven bands right now that do what I want to do, so I will: Underoath, For Today, Sleeping Giant, Oh Sleeper, Impending Doom, The Great Commission, and A Plea For Purging.

All these guys do is make great music, and tour around the country, and world, sharing Christ with not only the fans, but the fellow bands as well. Brook, the vocalist from Impending Doom, as well as several others, have visions of Christianity taking hold of the world from the underground, and it gets me so fired up that I just want to drop everything and get into a band.

So, with that in mind, I starting looking for possible bandmates, or even a band in need of a vocalist. I found two of my YL club kids, David and Clendis. They're both only 16 or so, and none of us are well-honed super musicians, but we're a start, and I think these guys share my goal.

Anyway, that's the whole band thing. What to talk of next...OH! It's my friend Bethany's birthday today. You should comment below wishing her a happy birthday and I'll show her the love!

Also, I realize that 2009 is almost over, hence the title of the blog. I've been seeing a lot of introspective think pieces in facebook notes from friends, so I guess I could do that, as cheesy as it seems.

This year hasn't been too bad, but not too brilliant either. Done!

Seriously though, one notable thing is that I'm finally over the girl from my fiasco in 2007, which is awesome. And if you read this blog, she-who-must-not-be-named (not because your name is evil, but because I'd like to prevent any undue embarrassment), please know that I'm sorry the whole thing went down, and I truly do miss you and your other half as friends.

Speaking of girls, and of moving on, I find myself in what I lovingly call my "hunter mode". It's quite silly really, because I'm no good at this whole girl-liking thing, so it seems pretty futile to try finding one at this point. But still I trudge on. What's funny is, my motives for doing so aren't entirely what you might think.

Sure, there's the benefit of all that mushy stuff like holding hands and texting random things at 4AM to each other, which are definitely perks, but really don't hold a place in the top three reasons why I want to date someone. What are my top three reasons, you may ask?

1. I'm surrounded by love stories and feeling a bit left out. You literally cannot turn a corner in this damned world without running into some form of romance going on. No story is a good one with love involved, everybody knows that. It's just slightly depressing and escalates downward into self-depreciation after awhile. Hooray!

2. I guess the perks mentioned above might fit here, but whatever. I want intimacy. I don't want sex (that's for married or marred people) so much as I want to have a close relationship with someone. Sure, I've got Jesus to talk to whenever I want, and I've got plenty of spiritual intimacy, but (and this will sound very atheist-like) it's hard to experience physical intimacy with a spiritual being. Why do you think I love hugs so much?

3. I want to further experience God's love. Over the summer, I read a book by Donald Miller called To Own A Dragon. It's about his struggles of growing up/adjusting without a father. I, too, did not grow up with a father, so it spoke to me about a lot of stuff. One of the chapters was about Don's friend who had gotten married. Don asked him about marriage and what it was like, and the thing I walked away with most vividly imprinted from that chapter was what his friend said. He said that being married revealed a whole new view of God's love, like an undiscovered waterfall or something. Who wouldn't want that?

And I know it's not all easy, and I realize that God's not going to miraculously plop a girl down at my front door on a silver platter who instantly falls in love with me and we get married and live happily ever after. I realize this. But something's gotta give, right?

I'm a weird dude. I somehow ended up writing a checklist application for a girlfriend and posted it on facebook. Wanna read it? I'll copy+paste it for you.

Eligibility is based on these, and a few other select items:

EDIT: I added a few things I forgot. They're located below, and denoted by a double dash like so "--".

--is single (generally a good thing to check for).

--is willing to pray with me and for me (believe me, I need it).

--has a face.

--reads the Bible (or at least tries to) [just a check on the whole Christian deal].

--loves themself (not in the naughty way).

-is a girl (read: confirmed female).

-has a face.

-is willing to not get bling (no gold diggers).

-actually likes me as a person.

-is between 17-23 (no, I'm not a pedophile).

-is a Christian.

-does not want premarital "relations".

-is willing to let me help you.

-is okay with me spitting from time to time (it comes with the job).

-has a face.

-is able to let me have guy night LAN parties.

-is willing to get married someday (oooh, scary)[also note, not necessarily to me].

-does not mind loud music.

-does not mind screaming in said music.

-likes hugs.

-does not want to cohabit (read: live together).

-has a face.

-is okay with my weirdness.

-is currently my friend (not on facebook, for realzies).


If you've made it this far:

Let's hang out =)

Some of these are negotiable, while others are not. Apply if you dare, muahahahahaha.


In all seriousness, this is a slight peek into my "ranking" of potentials, but was also made for funsies and is severely lacking in certain things.

Besides, if you really wanted to, I'm sure you'd convince me to ask you out. Shoot, some girls have done it without even trying! =)

At any rate, I love you all very much.

Again I say, I'm a weird dude. Anyway, much to my confusion, this actually generated some interesting conversation which gives me hope that I'm not completely unwanted by the female population (not to say that those who DID reply were actually interested). But nonetheless, it helps.

So I guess I'll stop writing now. I mean, I've already shoveled a lot of crap at you with this one, and I don't want to scare you away any more than I already have =)

As always, I'm open to discussion. Just email me or drop a comment below, or even bring up some stuff in person.

I've been trying to get some inspiration for writing more songs, but I don't just want to churn out crap lyrics, so I guess I'll wait. I'll probably also post my "confessions" list soon. Maybe as part of a new year's resolution blog or something. Could be fun, eh?

Okay, I'm going now.

Love you,

~@

If Plagues Could Talk (Song)

Okay, so I've been finishing up school these past several weeks, and I've been kicking myself to get back into writing. Unfortunately, a sinful man's life is never slow, so I've been slacking even more on writing. Thankfully, I got some inspiration out of nowhere (surely a sign of God, haha) to write this one. Enjoy.

Don't wish me the world
I'd only watch it burn
A cruel magnifying glass
Focusing hatred into ants' backs

Don't you know why
I avoid the daylight?
It's not so flattering
To my purity, my purity


Don't look me in the eyes
I fear you'll see
This horror in me
I am what I despise


Don't bother buying
What my mouth sells
You haven't seen
What these hands are capable of

...It's not so flattering

Don't look me in the eyes
I fear you'll see
This horror in me
I am what I despise


FLEE FROM ME!
I'll consume you (I never knew you)
I'll destroy you (I never knew you)
I am Hell himself!


Don't love me with those eyes
I fear you don't see
This horror is me
I do what I despise

God save me from this!

A few things before I go:

1) This song should be pretty straight-forward, but if you need me to explain it, let me know. Also, I intentionally overplayed the word "don't", so you know.

2) My "band" got together last night and did some minor jamming, and I must say my screaming is coming along, and sounds much better in the microphone than in my car (ha). We're a long way off, but I think we're at a good starting point.

3) I have several writing ideas to try and accomplish soon. Hopefully I'll have another song up by Christmas, and I'm still mulling over publishing some confessions.

That's all, folks!

Drop me an email if you wanna talk about anything, or a comment if you just wanna leave some love. =)

~@

Love Letter Idolatry

Okay, so I'm sorry it's been forever since I've written anything. School's been kicking me around for a while, and with YL in full swing now, my free time is pretty much reserved for sleeping and pooping/reading. Well, I do have another project that I've started: I'm now going through my music library album by album (by band) listening and reading the lyrics as I go. I then catalog my favorite lyric snippets into a list. I have the first part (including Sleeping Giant and Oh, Sleeper's two albums each) on my facebook, and I can migrate it over here if you'd like to read it - just let me know.

So that isn't really the purpose I had in mind for this entry, but I wanted to give you a small update. Get ready for some good old new-thinking rant =)

My latest funk has been with the idea of ministry being a set in stone format. The main issue is basically that a lot of the now-elders of the faith have decided to take everything so freaking literally that they honestly believe there is only one thing that works. The basic issue I'm getting to is that I don't think the Bible is everything.

Now before you grab your pitchforks and chase me out of town, know that I read the Bible everyday and accept it as truth and the Word of God Himself. But also know that I don't think the Bible is the key to salvation. If it were the hinge of this "religious ideal", then how would people who never had access to a Bible or at least one in their language be saved?

I listen to a lot of Christian hardcore/metal music, as you probably know. One of my favorite bands is Sleeping Giant. I love them because they do what I yearn so very much to, which is minister to lost souls with their music. One thing in particular that I find very fascinating is they take a very wary stance amongst "The Church" (as we are so apt to call "it" these days). A small side note - you might want to go back and read my blog about what I believe church to be to fully grasp my ideas here.

A particular set of lyrics strike me from a couple of their songs, the first being "Blame It On The Holy Rollers". The idea here that they make is that they're tired of being judged for who they are, something "The Church" I think STILL has problems with (luckily, not nearly as much where I'm at). They also write about this "Sunday School mindset" and "play(ing) church". These really kind of hit home for me, because I think a lot of "The Church" seem complacent and basically stagnant in the faith, not sure where to turn next.

This takes me to my next idea of the Bible. Again, I'm not bashing it in any way, and I read it daily because I find it helps me renew my mind (Romans 12). It seems there is way too much emphasis on this book. I understand it's the Word of God, and it's useful for teaching, rebuke, reproof, etc. But if the Bible was all that was needed, why would "The Church" even exist?

Something else I feel I should say is that I teach from the Bible myself. I don't think it wrong to use the Bible in many situations. I just think we get so caught up in the "thees" and "thous" and lose sight of the true God. I mean, the Bible is just His love letter to us. Would you honestly say that a love letter is the most important thing in a relationship? I wouldn't.

I have a feeling you're going to want to quote John 1 to me now. You know, this little bit:

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. (John 1.1)

I get it. You think that the Bible is the incarnate of Jesus, or something like that. But don't you understand that if you become a Christian, Jesus resides in you! He doesn't need a book to tell us how to live right, to explain Himself. Granted, it seems He chooses to most often (insert Hebrews 1 reference here), but that doesn't mean He won't talk to you through anything else. I've got stories of how I've been spoken to by God without the words on the page.

I get a bit depressed seeing this go on, this literalness. It translates into people becoming dead-set on one single method that's worked before and just gets frustrating, because you start to think that just because that method has worked in the past, it'll work forever. It could, certainly, as God is timeless and His ways are mysterious, even to the point of repetition. However, do you really think people like this don't love Jesus with all their heart? These are my heroes!

I guess all I'm really trying to say is this: those of you who think you're the shiz, who think you have it all together and you've got the "proper" way to "be a Christian", let me say that the ONLY thing that's required is to worship our Lord. How we do so is irrelevant (so long as it's not obviously sinful and, well, retarded). Yes, we are called to go and make disciples, but guess what? THIS IS WORSHIP!

And I choose to worship differently from you. That doesn't make me any less loved and lovely. Theology is great. But it's personal. Leave it at that, and I swear, if you push your beliefs, you come across as a bent salesman, trying to sell the latest God model.

STOP SELLING! Start loving. (yay for soap box moments)

This probably (as my writing tends to do) jumps around and probably leaves a lot of my thoughts out (it's damn near impossible to get it all down at the speed I think). So if you find yourself lost and want me to explain it better, let me know. I'd be happy to get coffee or something with you (if you're in the area, anyway) or just email you about it.

Also, I'm praying over a confessions list I want to write and make public, but I don't know if it's the right thing to do right now, but I want to make it known that people are not alone in their struggles.

Anyway, I love you guys, wherever you may be.

~@othern

I Have A Dreamsicle (Song)

Okay, so here's the deal, folks. I have been listening a LOT to Owl City (Relient K has been a strong influence here as well). So this song is written in a very artsy fartsy rhyming fashion, similarly paced to an Owl City song (in my head). While the parts at first seemed very dissonant (aka, not meshing), I think I worked it out well enough that I like how it sits altogether. So enjoy.

all the shallow girls
leave their hearts on the shore
hoping that the waves will leave pain replete
and the ones with unmet dreams
don't cry anymore
for their struggles are buried six feet deep

so sleep,
let the winds take your hand
feel the beat
from the smooth ocean sands
all the glaciers will melt
from the warmth we have felt
when we're together...

but when you wake up
you wanna run from the fear
just like your makeup
streams of black from your tears

but when the sobs have died down
and your eyes stop drowning
if you could only see
the overbearing joy in me
just from you hearing my name
on your lips

my heart is doing backflips
as you walk on by
and then the dream slowly slips away
i can't help but sigh
and hope for a new day

© @othern 2009.

We is Imperfect

So uhhh....hi. It's been awhile. Sorry about that =/

It seems that school saw fit to vomit nonstop on me the entire month of October. Now, I'm not saying that college is supposed to be a breeze and we shouldn't have to ever struggle, but geez. I mean GEEZ. I'm talkin' multiple projects and papers due every week, 70+ pages of reading every week, and at least three other various time-consuming assignments on top of that.

And apparently God decided to teach me a lesson (that which I have not yet figured out) last week. It was my "midterm week." I only really had one midterm, but I had about four other major tests or projects/papers due this past week. The kicker? I've been sick for just over a week now with what appears to be pneumonia. It's not like I'm bedridden (obviously, I can't just ignore midterms), but it's been a real jerk.

Anyway, that's my excuse for not writing in so long. I apologize for those of you that read this (even myself). I also apologize that this particular blog isn't going to be super duper awesome. There aren't going to be any new song lyrics, and I'm only lightly touching on some stuff from a few weeks ago that I've read or heard or thought. So let's do that.

Hobey ho, let's go! (Pendragon pun. I don't expect you to get it)

First off, I feel I should update you on my music. I have officially fallen in love with Owl City. Something ethereal about it forces a smile just about every time I listen to it. My friend has also discovered trance techno, and has hooked me on some podcasts. I prefer happy hardcore techno, but trance is good too.

Also, I recently picked up the new blessthefall and Relient K albums. Both are truly amazing, though I've leaned towards Relient K and I'll tell you why. I've been mellowing out my musical choices this cold-weather season. Methinks it's due to the fact that I always get this overbearing sense of melancholy around this time of year. My only guess is that it's a subconscious revival of my 2007 throwdown (see earlier blogs for more information).

Anyway, Forget and Not Slow Down, Relient K's newest, is really kind of sad. The idea behind the album is that Matthew Thiessen was engaged and something happened - I won't speculate - and they broke up, and this album pretty much sums up Thiessen's emotional and spiritual responses to the situation. It's super good though, I suggest you pick it up. Witness via blessthefall is also good, but I have my reservations because of some controversial lyrics in a song. I won't go into details.

Alright, what to talk about next...well, I haven't written any lyrics in a while. The last song I wrote is the last blog (sadness). I have, however, read some Mere Christianity a la C.S. Lewis. I'm about half way through it, this being my second go at it, and I still am picking up so much new stuff that I hadn't caught when I first read it. It appears that Lewis does this a lot. Mr. Enigmatic.

I read the section on Christian sex and marriage, and I think I wanna expound upon some of it.

Here's a quote from the sex chapter:

The sins of the flesh are bad, but they are the
least bad of all sins. All the worst pleasures are purely spiritual: the
pleasure of putting other people in the wrong, of bossing and patronising
and spoiling sport, and back-biting; the pleasures of power, of hatred.

The reason I quoted this is because it raised in my mind this idea of sin ranking, or inequality. In my various Bible studies throughout the week, I've come across this idea of sins being of differing severity. Let me first explain that I have always believed that all sins are of equal value in regards to "how evil" it is, so to speak. However, recently there was a portion of my college group in which we talked about some sins being worse than others. The question was posed about the "Unforgivable Sin", which we came to agree upon as the complete and utter rejection of Jesus and His message in the presence of Jesus Himself. Matthew speaks about it being blasphemy against the Holy Spirit, and it basically is. The true meaning, we came to agree, is that the "Unforgivable Sin" was actually aimed at the Pharisees who, despite the numerous miracles Jesus performed just about daily, refused to believe Jesus, and accredited His works to Satan. Makes sense why they would not be forgiven for that, considering they had a bajillion chances to repent and give in, but they were so foolhardy that they just killed Him.

Now, this idea carries on to modern times in that the "Unforgivable Sin" can still be committed. But by whom? Certainly not Christians, because a "true Christian" would never denounce the framework of their faith. It falls, then, to the nonbeliever. And I think God is pretty lenient on this. I don't mean He'll let it slide or whatever, but the "requirements" for this sin are pretty hardcore. From my understanding, you have to have openly heard and seen and come to understand the basis of the Gospel, and turned it down to follow your own pursuits. Possibly even multiple times. What's funny is, I don't think God would turn these people down if they ever did repent, even on their deathbed. I think the sin refers only to those who never would repent. After all, He is God. He can see down the road who will do what.

This in mind, I heard not too long after from my Young Life study that sins are not equal in magnitude, that some are "worse" than others. I don't really think this true, with the exception of that mentioned above, simply because God cannot forgive us if we don't let Him. But aside from that, who is to say lying is less evil than, say, adultery? Both are deceptive, and both can severely damage relationships. I can agree that some sins carry more baggage than others. For instance, having an affair that ends in divorce is obviously a harsher consequence than lying to your spouse about how they look. The same goes for murder. If you kill someone, the consequences are much higher (realtime consequences, mind you) - prison, execution, a guilty conscience, etc. So if that is where we draw the line on inequality that's fine. But what do you think?

Anyway, the next bit from Lewis was about Christian marriage. If you know me at all, you may have found me a bit obsessed with marriage and this idea of romantic love (well, really all kinds of love, as romantic love only gets you so far). So this chapter truly appealed to me. Some noteworthy quotes below:

If people do not believe in permanent marriage, it is perhaps
better that they should live together unmarried than that they should make
vows they do not mean to keep... one
fault is not mended by adding another.

The promise, made when I am in love and because I am in
love, to be true to the beloved as long as I live, commits one to being true
even if I cease to be in love.

A promise must be about things that I can do,
about actions: no one can promise to go on feeling in a certain way.

Quick LOL for ^this^ one. Irony.

Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing. You
cannot make it the basis of a whole life.

There ought to be two distinct kinds of marriage: one governed by the
State with rules enforced on all citizens, the other governed by the Church
with rules enforced by her on her own members. The distinction ought to be
quite sharp, so that a man knows which couples are married in a Christian
sense and which are not.

This last quote intrigued me. I think it mainly hits home since gay marriage is all the rage right now. And honestly, I support it. Why? Because - and make sure you read this slowly and understand it - people who are not Christian should not be held to Christian standards. I know some of you will be like OMGWTFBBQ, but hear me out.

First of all, Christians have an astounding framework of support surrounding them, and the infinite source of strength itself (Jesus). Marriage is hard, no doubt. A lot of what Jesus calls us to is hard. If it were easy, we would never need to lean on Him for strength and hope and love and peace. If things were a stroll in the park, we'd have no need for the Holy Spirit. Honestly ask yourself, if things were never hard ever, would you truly pray still? Would you be in fellowship with likeminded people on Sunday mornings when you would rather have slept in? Would you even pick up the Bible?

I think I can say I would not. I mean, I have never felt that life was too good for God. And I'm glad for that.

That being said, how can we expect people without this massive support to go on upholding these "morals" that a) they don't believe in and b) are wicked hard to keep up without God? I'm not saying God is never with you ever if you don't believe in Him, because I don't think that's true. But I do know that trusting in Him is a major key to this. And how can you trust that which you do not believe in? Seems pretty impossible to me.

That's what I love about C.S. Lewis. He really gets me thinking about real issues and areas of contemplation I think I'd never have stumbled into otherwise.

Well, that's just about all I have to say right now. I'll plug some links real quick though and be on my way.

Here you'll find my uncle's sermons in .mp3 format. He's a brilliant teacher, and one of my favorite people.

Jon Shanahan is a great friend I found in New York on Summer Staff this year. He does these silly vlogs that update me on his life. I enjoy them. You should too.

That's about it, folks.

Thanks for reading! And if you would like to pray for me, please pray for healing, my musical pursuits, and Young Life. Thank you!

love love lovelovelovelove,

~@